Random Thoughts of...Wisdom?

Davey's Song

2010-12-08T17:43:00.001-08:00

A song that I wrote, but imagined was written by Stacy and given to me to sing to Dave.

Recorded on my laptop so give me a break.

Will Chris Drop His Pants?

2010-06-18T05:53:00.001-07:00

A lovely little ditty about a friend and his unusual late night habit.

Potvin's song

2010-06-18T05:39:00.001-07:00

A song about my friend Eric and his Craig's list compulsion, which I think is now under control.

How to lose an argument

2010-02-12T06:08:00.001-08:00

I'm not very good at arguing. Mostly because I don't like to hurt people's feelings.

When I do argue and it comes down to insults, which it normally does, I still try to be polite.

Once, when arguing with Audra, I had to get the last word in and the best I could come up with was something like:

"Whatever! Your feet don't even stink. Who the hell has feet that don't stink? My god, smell mine! They're awful. Now that's some stinky feet. I'm outta here, stinkless"

I got the last word in, made my point and didn't make anyone feel bad.

Didn't think fast enough

2010-02-12T06:06:00.000-08:00

You ever start saying something and just as its coming out, you wish you could take it back?

I was at CVS with Audra (because you know I know how to show a girl a good time). We were buying vitamins so I picked up a bottle of "One a Day" brand.

Before I knew it, I started saying (notice I said "started") "How often do I take these?"

I think she heard me, but let it go. So sweet

2010-01-12T15:16:00.000-08:00

So, I used to design kitchens for a living, right? In doing this, we work with a lot of kitchen islands and peninsulas that people will eventually sit at. This has caused a situation that I can no longer ignore.
When figuring a countertop overhang for people to sit at, we generally like to have 12" of legroom. However, space constraints sometimes require that we shrink that space a bit.
So I'll tell my customers, mostly women, that while 12" is ideal, we can do 10" or even 8". That's when it happens.
"Show me what 10 inches looks like"
Sigh.
One of these days...

Why didn't I ever think of this before?

2009-10-27T19:01:00.001-07:00

I think I'm going to start eating breakfast before I go to be at night. I think it will save me time in the morning.

Disappearing donuts?

2009-09-20T15:47:00.000-07:00

Have you ever gone to Dunkin Donuts and gotten a couple donuts that you ate so fast, you couldnt remember eating them?

And then did you slowly peer into the bag to check, hoping that you may not have eathen them yet and they'd still be available?

No?

Hmmm.

Beer slang...

2009-08-21T18:59:00.000-07:00

I was around some people tonight that I would say weren't exactly party animals like myself. Or myself at a younger age (maybe two months ago or something).

These were a bunch of people who probably havent ripped it up a lot in their life and therefore, they've probably become very successful and have at least several brain cells left.

You can tell a non-party animal who is trying to pass himself off as one by just listening to the way they speak and try to use hip, slang venacular.

If you hear someone say "Yo! I put the brewskis in the cooler. I had a few brewskis already, but I bought some more brewskis on the way here", chances are that he probably hasn't ever had more than a six pack in his life.

Saying "Brewski" once is a dead giveaway, but three times in a sentence is just not good. Not good at all.

Dear Lottery...

2009-08-20T19:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Lottery,
My numbers don't seem to be coming out at all. Could you check on that and get back to me?

Thanks,
Mike

Who is it?

2009-08-06T15:55:00.000-07:00

I have two other beings that live in my house.

One is my lovely Audra and the other is our wicked boss cat, Conway.

When I come home, I will usually rub both of their bellies for awhile.

One of them enjoys it and purrs a lot. The other finds it annoying, intrusive and somewhat demeaning.

Sunrises

2009-05-28T13:37:00.000-07:00

Sunrises are beautiful. I watched it twice this weekend.

I think more people would take advantage of them if they would have them at a more reasonable time.

Unfortunately, they happen at sunrise. And in this area, sunrise only happens in the morning.

Really early in the morning.

We also watched sunset. These occur at a time when more people are able and willing to partake.

And they look exactly like a sunrise, but in reverse.

The things that I think of...

2009-05-28T13:18:00.000-07:00

Audra and I went to Acadia National Park in Maine for Memorial Day Weekend. We found this cool set of rocks along the coast and came across a large overhang that looked like a cave. I asked her to come down in the cave with me, but she wouldn't.

For the rest of the hike I was thinking of this stupid scenario...

"Audra, come check this out"

"What's down there"

"Nothing. Just some bats"

"What? Did you say hats"?

"Yes. That's what I said. This cave is full of hats. No. I said bats"

"I'm not coming down into a cave full of bats"

"Are you afraid of bats?"

"No. Not the actual bats. I'm afraid of the vampires that they eventually turn into"

"That IS a valid fear, since it's well known that all bats, regardless of their species immediately turn into vampires the minute that the sun goes down."

"So you agree with me?"

"I do. And I also can help you. I didn't want to tell you, but I'm actually a werewolf"

"I kinda figured that, but what's that got to do with me?"

" Everyone knows that the werewolf is the natural enemy of the vampire and one of few creatures that can kill it"

" Go on"

"So if these bats turn into vampires, I'll change into a werewolf and protect you"

"You'll be one werewolf against thousands of bats"

" So"

"One against a thousand isn't good odds"

"I know karate"

"Besides, what's to stop you from attacking me along with the vampires. You might even join their team."

"' I guess you'll have to trust me. I assume I'll be able to control myself"

" You, I trust. Werewolf Mike...I don't know. Seems risky"

" You don't have many options"

" I have one option. I won't go down in the cave"

" Whatever you want"

" Good"

"You're probably making the right decision. I'm not sure I'm a werewolf anyway. I just got bitten by a dog once that looked like a wolf, so I assumed that I had a werewolf gene buried in me somewhere. Plus, I don't think these are bats either. Now that I look closely, they're just little rocks"

Lazy cat!

2009-05-24T16:55:00.000-07:00

I like to make outrageous demands of my cat.

They usually involve trying to get him to lift a finger and do some housework and help Audra out. God knows I don't do enough.

Or maybe pick up a shovel once in a while and help clear the driveway when it snows.

Avocados

2009-05-20T18:55:00.000-07:00

I had some avacado the other day for the first time.

I got a sandwich, but where there should have been bacon, someone put avacado.

The color threw me off at first but then I tasted it and it was good. It was as if someone had taken guacamole and compressed it into a brownie like form and then cut it up into slices.

Why wouldn't they just call it guacamole? It's pretty obvious what it is.

A word of caution

2009-04-24T14:25:00.000-07:00

If you're ever out biking; Never, ever, ever go up a road that has the word "Ledges" in it's name.

Unfair advertising

2009-04-20T15:21:00.000-07:00

Why is it that my "not cleaning the house" gets top billing in very large letters on the marquee, but when I do clean, I'm not even mentioned?

Tofu and my preconception

2009-04-10T17:28:00.000-07:00

You know, I’ve actually never had TOFU, so it might be good…but I doubt it.

Tall Chicks

2009-04-08T17:24:00.000-07:00

I’ve always thought that anything over six feet tall is a waste, so that’s really why I decided to stop growing once I reached 5' 10"

My fiance' is a few inches taller than me, but I'm ok with it because I'm a confident guy.

Plus, there's nothing I can do about it AND she's pretty hot.

She's also a bit younger than me, which again, is kinda cool.

The only thing that’s going to suck is when I’m older and I start shrinking. We’re gonna look ridiculous with her towering over my wrinkled, imploding body.

My only hope is that she gets a nasty case of scoliosis. You know… curvature of the spine where old ladies hunch over?

That way, even though she’ll technically be taller than me, nobody will really notice.

Unless they lay her on her stomach and jump on her back to straighten her out.

Even then, I certainly wouldn’t lay down next to her so they could measure.

It ain't gonna happen

2009-03-26T17:27:00.000-07:00

Show me a grown man who admits to buying size 'small' underwear and I'll show you a guy who will also admit that he wishes condoms came in smaller sizes.

2009-03-24T06:34:00.001-07:00

Cats should learn to put their tail down when they walk.

Nobody wants to see what they have going on there.

Gym dudes

2009-03-23T16:37:00.000-07:00

Certain things bother me about the gym.

One being the guys who walk around naked in the locker room, shave naked in the locker room, and do everything else that could easily be done with a towel on.

Another is guys who wear gloves to lift. That seems ridiculous to me.

Now, if you're a guy who wears gloves AND is bigger than me, I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about that other guy. The little one over there.

It was only a matter of time...

2009-03-23T16:35:00.000-07:00

Audra and I were out with some friends and somehow the subject of cassettes and 8 tracks came up.

We were going on and on and laughing about it when all of a sudden..... Audra says "What's an 8 track?"

I think I immediately got liver spots and glaucoma.

How old people drive

2009-03-16T18:38:00.000-07:00

I was driving along today and was sitting at a light. All of a sudden I was bumped.

Not by the van directly behind me, but by the gigantic Lincoln town car behind me and to the right. How that guy bumped me is still up in the air.

I looked back in the rearview to see who it was. I knew it wasn't the van so I looked at the other car.

In that car is this old man with both hands on the wheel staring straight ahead.

I got out of my truck and went behind it to check for damage. Luckily there was none, but the guy was still staring ahead with both hands on the wheel. I thought I'd stand there to see if he noticed me. Nothing. Not even a glance.

I decided no to do anything, but I'm guessing that this happens to this old man several times a day.

I've come to the conclusion that old people drive by hope and hope alone.

I hope there's nobody in this lane I'm drifting into
I hope there's nobody behind me
I hope there's nobody in front of me
I hope that light is green
I hope this sidewalk is free of people and obstacles

Blatant trademark infringement

2009-03-15T13:03:00.000-07:00

Have you seen the store brands of soda that Walmart has? It's pretty obvious that they're ripping of the major brands and I'm suprised that they get away with it, really.

Poor defenseless Pepsi and Dr Pepper spend all this money on marketing and Walmart comes in and takes it.

I guess Walmart figures there are enough differences that if Pepsi takes them to court, the case will get thrown out.

I can see Walmart bringing in a huge team of lawyers who will spend hundreds of hours rattling on and on about copyrights and how their color is more fuscia than maroon and the Dr. on their can is actually a PHD, not an MD, like Dr. Pepper.

Pepsi would just send one guy into the courtroom and when it was his turn to speak, he just turns and point to the can and says "COME ON! and rest his case.

A brief serious moment...

2009-03-08T09:02:00.001-07:00

I recently transformed my girlfriend Audra into my fiance. Below is an email that she sent out to her friends and family. Audra is a great writer and has a way of getting her feelings and thoughts across using the written word.

And now...

They say that diamonds are a girl’s best friend. While few can argue, I was fortunate enough to have met my best friend a year and a half ago. It wasn’t a diamond, rather a man who has since made all my dreams come true. While I always hoped our journey together would last forever, my hopes were answered this past Saturday when the man I love dropped to one knee and proposed.

I am ecstatic to announce that Mike Kirtland and I are officially engaged!

It might have been cold our there, our snowmobiles pulled off to the side in a snowy landscape outlined by trees, but it would serve as the ideal setting for ‘catching me off guard.’ The previous hour had been spent racing down the trails, me riding with Mike, two close friends of ours riding closely behind. Suddenly, Mike pulled over, like he had done numerous other times along our route. How was I to know that this would be any different? As he climbed off the snowmobile and chatted with our friends, I sat patiently, trying to keep warm. He came back asking me to remove my helmet, to which I replied, “no way, it’s cold out.” He tried to take it off for me, which I again refused. After disappearing from a couple of moments he came back and calmly asked, “could you do me a favor and take off your helmet.” It was then I knew!

“No way! Here! Now!” was my initial response. He got me. Though the signs were there all along, I was caught completely off-guard. As he asked me to take off my glove and reached into his pocket I was ready for whatever came my way. He got down on one knee and uttered the most sincere words I could imagine. Would I marry him? YES! While my response my muffled with teary eyes, it was official. As he slid ‘the most gorgeous ring I have seen’ on my finger, we embraced, sharing our first kiss as an engaged couple. Our friends captured the whole thing on camera, which will serve as a great memory for years to come!

In true Mike and Audra fashion, as we geared back up and started to drive off, we misjudged the snow bank and tipped the snowmobile over, sending us flying off. It was a slow-speed crash and we laughed and laughed, knowing it was the perfect ending to a very exciting moment!

Perhaps the most interesting part of the journey was the car ride to the rental shop. Mike had been practicing a song on the guitar, “Wonderful Tonight” for a couple of months and we always joked that when he played that song for me, we would get engaged. As he turned on the radio in the car, that song was playing! I had no idea what was to come, but it couldn’t have been more prophetic!

All in all it was a wonderful engagement and we are thrilled! I may have met my best friend a while ago, but for those times when he isn’t nearby, I can now look down on my left hand and know he is never far away…

Thanks for everything along the way!

Audra

Here's the email I sent out. I think it's nice in it's own way. And the pricing is very fair.

Well, we finally did it. On Saturday, I asked Audra to marry me and she said yes. So I officially have a fiance.

We went snowmobiling in North Conway and we stopped along the trail. I had Steve and Caren with us to take pictures and carry the champagne.

I caught her completely by surprise. It was great moment. She loves the ring and hasn't stopped smiling since. At first I just thought she was frozen, but it's stayed on.

The story is a good one and I'm sure I'll be telling it until you're all tired of it.

I should be posting pictures as soon as we get them from Caren but here's a picture of the ring on her finger.

Hopefully we'll be seeing everyone soon. We'll be up on Friday for Championship/Toga. Ring viewing will begin at 9:00 and continue until Sunday at some point.

Pricing will be as follows:
See the ring- $2
Touch the ring- $4
Picture with one half of the couple (your choice)- $4
Picture of the whole couple- $6- time permitting.
Picture of the couple in front of the keg- $14
Pour the man fiance a beer- $0

For those value minded people, we have a special where for $1 you can look at the ring from afar, but won't be able to come into the same room as the ring without incurring the above charges.

Mike Kirtland- Fiance haver

Useless skills

2009-03-02T19:26:00.000-08:00

In my life, I like to think that I've learned some pretty valuable skills.

I can build things; fix cars and just about anything else that breaks; I am pretty computer savvy and a pretty good speller. These are all useful, handy things.

I like to think that those skills offset my other less tangible skills like being able to juggle somewhat. That skill is limited though. I can only juggle three pieces at a time and they absolutely have to be round, like a tennis ball.

I can talk like I'm underwater for some reason and can make a lot of funny noises.

For instance, I can make a sound that sounds a lot like the Jetson's car. My elephant impression is pretty good to.

I can catch coins off of my elbow like the Happy Day's episode when Fonzie's nephew made it into the Guinness book of world records.

But I guess my most useless skill is knowing Roman numerals. There is just no real use for them these days.

In fact, I can count exactly three times that this skill helps.

1. I know what Superbowl we're on

2. I know what year movies were made

3. I can tell what Queen, King or Pope we're talking about.

That's pretty much it. And it's not going to get me rich anytime soon.

Oh, and I can make my stomach really fat for a few minutes at a time.

Phone calls you'll never hear...

2009-02-17T19:33:00.000-08:00

"Hello. Thank you for calling the Jehovah's Witnesses. How can I help you?"

"Oh thank god you answered. I wasn't home this afternoon and I'm afraid I missed your visit. Could you send someone over right away? I have a lot of questions."

More moneymaking ideas...

2009-02-09T22:02:00.000-08:00

How about this?

You know when you fill out a form and it asks for an emergency contact?

I'm going to start selling raffles and the winner gets to be that contact.

Ten years from now if something happens to me and they get a call, they'll remember "Oh Yea, I won that raffle that time. Boy, that Mike sure was a fun guy."

Plus, I'll do that for every new form I fill out so that everyone gets a chance. One raffle per form. One winner per raffle. One contact assignment per winner.

It can stand alone...

2009-02-06T14:32:00.000-08:00

It seems to me that Coffeemate could ditch coffee and go out on it's own and still stand proud.

My cat and I

2009-02-04T16:52:00.000-08:00

Many, many times throughout the day, if I am home, I look at my cat who is staring at me, and say "How did you get here?"

"What has transpired in my life that somehow allowed you to be here staring at me as if I am the outsider?"

"WHAT! ANSWER ME, DAMN YOU!"

My cat doesn't blink much.

The 4 food groups

2008-12-20T17:39:00.000-08:00

I have revised the 4 basic food groups to reflect my tastes and lifestyle.

Since the government doesn't regulate what we are required to eat yet, I haven't broken any laws at all.

The 4 Food Groups and what's in MY food groups

Dairy- Fried Mozzarella Sticks
Veggies- Fried Zucchini Sticks
Meat- Fried Chicken Fingers
Grains- Every one of those is breaded

Short lived ecstasy

2008-12-20T17:35:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a job that you didn’t like and found out that the company was closing or something and you were relieved because you could make a change and not feel guilty?

I had a job once and the company was going to be sold. “Excellent” I thought. I can finally get outta here.

Then the new CEO came in and informed everyone that nobody would be fired when they took over.

"Wow", I said. "Are you sure? What if I’ve been stealing or something? I really think I've been stealing a lot of things for a long time. Definitely. I've been stealing.

And drinking on the job. I do that a lot"

Very specific breakfasts

2008-12-20T17:33:00.000-08:00

I only eat breakfasts that contain the words “Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity”.

I suppose it wouldn't necessarily have to be all of the words consecutively, but it always seems to work out that way.

Gals, help us out.

2008-12-20T17:20:00.001-08:00

Ladies… I you love your man, PLEASE don’t EVER start a sentence with the words “I need to tell you something!”

Even if its something good, like "Hey baby, I just baked 450 cookies for you and didn't burn one of them"

OR

"I finally decided that you're right, a threesome really would be good for our relationship"

DO NOT start with "I need to tell you something" because, I'll tell you... even before that sentence is out of your mouth, we've already thrown your stuff out the window.

Craigslist Addiction

2008-12-20T17:13:00.000-08:00

I have a friend, Eric, who is pretty addicted to Craigs list.

So much so that when I need to contact him, instead of calling I just put up an ad for something free on Craigs list.

I don’t even have to put my name. Eventually, he calls.

Late Night Ads

2008-12-11T20:18:00.000-08:00

I’ve never been a morning person.

I would love to be and on the rare occasions that I do get up early, I enjoy it, but again, that’s pretty rare.

But man, can I stay up late! If there was a staying up late Olympics, I’d be a quadrillion medal winner.

Staying up late affords you the luxury of being able to see some of America’s finest advertising and marketing minds at work, but you generally don’t get to see a lot of top quality products at three in the morning.

I’ve noticed that Mercedes and Rolex don’t tend to focus on those time slots at all.

Nursery Rhymes For The Psychotic

2008-11-09T10:30:00.000-08:00

Sung to the tune of "Hush little Baby" (Mockingbird song)

Hush little baby, don't say a word
Daddy's gonna buy you a mocking bird

And if that mockingbird won't sing
Daddy's gonna squash it with the heel of his shoe.

And if the heel of his shoe won't work
Daddy will probably just crush it with a brick.

Irony

2008-11-08T05:12:00.001-08:00

Do you find it weird that sometimes people who are in top physical condition, like marathon runners, end up dying of heart attacks.

I did too, but then realized, Hey, maybe its the heart saying, "No way!, We are NOT running another 26 miles! You just bought a new car for Christ's Sake. Use it"

"Oh Really? Still going, huh? Not today, buddy"

Bam. Gone.

My memory is weird

2008-11-05T16:51:00.000-08:00

Why is it that I can't remember one online password (the one for the blog is saved and it logs in automatically), but I still remember the combination to a 15 year old padlock that I barely....Kitty, get off the keyboard.... use?

Facebook owes me money, Dammit!

2008-10-26T10:59:00.001-07:00

They say "Time is Money", right?

But, who puts a number on the exact value of that time?

I guess I do. So if we break time into hours (and why wouldnt we?), I put the value of an hour of my time at home at $23.75. My work time if of much more value, but I'm not at work now, Am I?

So I've wasted about 4 hours of my valuable time this week on Facebook. Why? Same reason we climb mountains. Because of the funny emails and writing on walls, and all of the other time hogs that I might miss.

I figure that Facebook owes me $95 and I want it now. I'd refuse to pay my Facebook bill, but it's free, so that option is out the window.

Taking them to court would be the dumbest thing I could do. Mr. Facebook probably doesn't even know where the Salem Superior Court is, so he wouldnt show up anyway.

Maybe I can tax my Facebook friends. Surely they can understand the value of my clever comments and "What I am doing right now" quips.

Hmmmm...what to do. What to do.

A Note From My Cat...

2008-10-19T18:31:00.000-07:00

My kitten likes to plant himself on my laptop, whether I'm there or not. I mean my computer, not the upper thigh area that's created when I sit.

I think he's learned how to use it because I found this note in an email window that he opened- By accident according to him.

Dear Mom (and Sister, Sister, Brother, Brother, Brother, Sister),

Meow,

Things have been going great since leaving the animal shelter. I'm sorry you couldn't come, but I did try to persuade the the humans that bought me to go back and get you all.

But, as has happened with most things that I try to tell them, they just thought I had gas and rubbed my tummy. Mmmm....tummy rubs.

It's a pretty nice place with lots of windows. Most of my day is taken up by spending a little time in each of them. It's so warm and outside there are lots of other humans and other things that the girl human call "birds". These birds sit in something called a tree.

And the birds mock me. Oh how they mock me.

Someday, I will teach them that I am not to be mocked.

Hold on a second, I'll be right back...

Sorry. There was a bottle cap on the floor that needed to be knocked around for minute. Then I got distracted by that shoelace that they left around for me to play with.

They treat me like a kid.

The girl human has nice long hair. I like to suck on it as if I'm feeding on your teets, Mom. No milk yet though.

The man human has nice tasting skin. I bite it a lot. Sometimes I lick it and then bite it. He seems to like it, but he tastes salty. I don't think he drinks enough water.

The funny part is the man human's skin is different that the girl's skin. It has fur on it. I also think that he's old too.

I figure that I'm about 12 weeks old, so they're at LEAST 30 weeks old, give or take a couple of days.

Check this out. They have this thing here. It's the craziest thing you've ever thought of. It's scary as hell, yet I'm intrigued by it.

The humans take of their fur and get under this thing that has water coming out of it. I think that they actually get under it ON PURPOSE!!

As far as I can tell, it's a demon that they trapped behind the wall and force it to spray water from its nose, which is the only thing that comes through the wall.

Can you believe that? Brrrr...the thought of it gives me the willies.

I've snuck into the demon's lair while the humans were there, but humans ordered the demon to attack me. I barely made it out alive.

The girl human must have been mad, because she tried to smother me with a towel. It did get the demon juice off though.

Anyway, I should go. I haven't slept for like 8 minutes or something like that. Plus, the humans should be walking in any minute now.

Who knows where they go every day. They leave every morning and later in the day, the man human comes home and goes into the cold closet in the kitchen and gets something.

Whatever it is, he drinks it and gets really funny.

Then the girl human yells at him for doing it every night. That only lasts a few minutes, because the man human peels of his fur and shows the girl something. Then they go into the room where the soft floor that's up high is.

I can't go in until the girl opens the door. I think they wrestle or something since her fur is off everytime too.

Anyway, I"ll talk to you later. If I don't hear from you, I'll assume that nobody bought you and you've all been put to sleep because the girl human refused to take you all.

Meow,
Conway.

House hunting...

2008-09-16T18:19:00.000-07:00

We've been toying with the idea of moving. Audra contacted a realtor who asked us what our wants and needs were. I discovered that needs and wants, until now lumped into one category, are really different, if not equally important.

Needs:

Roof
Light switches- The kind that turn the lights on AND off.
Floors- Not ones that turn to mud in the rain
Toilet
Second toilet
Kitchen, I guess

Wants:

2 car garage
Workout/Music/Creative Writing room. In case I get good at any of these.
Rich untapped oil/natural gas/diamond reserves on the property. I'd be happy to provide the means of extraction
Dingos lurking at the perimeter of the lot.
A dog running at the inside perimeter, barking at the dingos. How else will I be alerted to the dingos?
A dingo alarm if they exist.
A lonely divorcee next door. One of those good looking ones, too. Preferably one who thinks that, compared to her ex, I'm hot.
Some way to control the weather to match my moods. That way neighbors know when it's ok to call.
Mosquitos and flies. I can't get enough of those.
A screened in porch in case I finally get enough of those.
Kids. Screaming kids of all ages... and a high powered pellet gun with a scope.
A hidden room to use the above. No need to go to jail if I don't have to.
A retractable roof so I can launch any dirigibles that I might build. That would probably come in handy anyway. So yes, a retractable roof.
Trap doors. Oh my god, would I love trap doors! I think I might even mark them with an X. People would totally stand on those. I mean who would have a trap door with an X on it? Me! That's who.

2008-09-07T08:02:00.000-07:00

Audra and I got a new little Kitten on Friday so I've decided to launch a "Kitten Visitation" business to help all of you parents out there who have run out of ideas for the kids.

For the low introductory rate of $10 per child, your precious tots can play with our kitten for up to 7 minutes.

Your seven minutes can be split into two sessions of 3.5 minutes each for an additional $5 to cover the cost of bookkeeping.

Anything over 7 minutes and the cost goes up exponentially for some reason.

Rules, Regulations and Disclaimers:

Do not look kitten in the eye
Do not spit on kitten
Do not turn your back on the kitten
Do not pull kittens tail without a good reason. "Because it was there" is not a good reason.
Do not light kitten on fire.
Do not pull kitten in half.
Exposure to kitten can cause itching and burning
Kitten has claws and knows how to use them.
Any dust and/or odors in the house were not there beforehand and were obviously brought in by this kitten.
The kitten may actually be the devil, so watch out.
The kitten is cute and your child will want one. Ours could be for sale.
The kitten loves Taco Bell, but will not eat it in front of you. You can leave it and I'll be sure that he gets to it. He would love Mountain Dew as his drink.

The kitten's name was "Ace" when we got it from the shelter, but I'm not a big fan of one syllable names for animals. It reminds me of Cher.

So we changed it to "Conway". Then in the morning, once the coffee kicked in, I proclaimed him to now be "Conway Kitty", after the deceased semi-famous country singer, Conway Twitty.

So it's Conway, Conway Kitty, CK or Connie. Any of those will be fine.

Anyway, we got a kitten who is very cute. No charge to look at it or touch it. Hurry before it turns into a plain old cat.

Michael Phelps is an egomaniac

2008-08-22T20:10:00.000-07:00

I once won 37 gold medals at the Olympics. You know why nobody knows?

I didn't make that big of a deal about it.

Little Yippee dogs.

2008-08-22T20:07:00.000-07:00

I hate them. Yip, Yip, Yip. Bark, bark, bark. Piss, piss, piss.

What are they good for?

My friend has one dog that barks constantly. The other one stands on his hind legs and scratches your leg until it's raw.

If I ever have a pile of stuff that needs to be scratched and barked at, I'll bring it over. Until then, I have no use for those dogs, except for comic material and punting practice.

Why Bother?

2008-08-22T20:05:00.000-07:00

Seven Layer Dips?

Seven Layers?

Call me when you get to 10 layers.

I don't get out of bed for less than 8.

My crazy week of March 10th-16th

2008-03-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

What a week.
Sunday night, I must have had 2 packages of popcorn by myself during the Simpsons. I know! I couldn't believe it either.

Monday-Thursday- TV and self loathing. Some very bad guitar playing each night. I figure in 3 years, I'll be able to actually tune my guitar by ear. Is that even possible? I doubt it. Rich says he knows how, but how do we know? He could be saying it's tuned and we have to believe him.

Friday- Went to see 10,000 BC with Audra. If you've seen the trailer, I can tell you that this movie isn't even close to what you expect it to be. It turned out to be a love story! My god! They showed the sabre tooth tiger a lot in the preview, but that was about all for him. He was on screen for about 30 seconds and you could tell his heart wasn't into it at all. Talk about phoning in a performance.
Worst of all...Dinosaur count = 0.

I don't know if dinosaurs were around in 10,000 BC, and maybe they wanted to be historically accurate, but I'm also pretty sure that woolly mammoths and horses with finely crafted leather saddles didn't co-exist either.

Also, no lezzie scenes.

Saturday- Work and then Karaoke at Fantasy Island Restaurant in Salem. Perhaps the tackiest Chinese Restaurant around, even by Chinese Restaurant standards. If you like karaoke, you don't have a lot of options since they only have it Thursday-Sunday. Other than that, you're out of luck. Audra's sister met a boy there. I drank beer.

Sunday- Hangover and lots of good intentions that failed miserably. Learned how to play guitar while laying down with a comforter on me. I tried to build a display case for our non-existent Makusue apparel but then lost interest when lunch time came around and Taco Bell caught my eye.

Taco Bell is like a big giant shiny object buried in the sand to me. I might be completely enthralled by something and be devoting my full attention to it but all of a sudden I see the Taco Bell sign and drop everything and magically start heading towards it as if I'm in a trance.

Did you know that the spicy food helps hangovers? I heard it once from a friend of mine who isn't actually a doctor, but he does play one at parties.

How could this happen in a place like that?

2007-12-29T11:38:00.000-08:00

2 Shot in Tab Spat at Hooters in Tenn.

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — A customer who was upset over his tab fired several shots into a Hooters restaurant, leaving a manager and another patron in critical condition Saturday, police said.
Police were searching for the man, who left on foot just after midnight, Lt. Kenny Miller said.
Managers asked the man to leave after he refused to pay his bill, according to Miller.

The man went outside and started firing shots from a .40-caliber handgun at the building, Miller said.
A customer leaving the restaurant and a manager inside were in critical condition Saturday at the University of Tennessee Medical Center.

No other details were immediately available.

How does something like that escalate at a Hooters? How can anyone get mad enough to shoot someone at a Hooters? How can anyone get mad at all at a Hooters?

When I'm at a Hooters, I'm all smiles, all the time. I'd probably be more likely to start shooting someone at Disneyland than Hooters.

How to avoid snowblower injuries

2007-12-13T19:29:00.000-08:00

Well here I am, just finishing my first round of clearing snow from my driveway this year and I once again escaped without losing a hand or some fingers.

How did I do it?

Its pretty simple really. I'm surprised nobody has ever thought of it before.

You know how they say never stick your hand into a snowblower, ever?

Well....basically, I don't stick my hand in a snowblower...Ever!

It sounds as easy as it can be, but every year people do it for some reason and WHAM!..out comes a bloody stump and suddenly they can't turn a doorknob any more.

That's what broomsticks or other peoples hands are for!

These are probably the same people who stick fingers in boiling water to test it before dropping a lobster in.

Oh, What the ladies will say....

2007-11-30T16:43:00.000-08:00

The other night, a gal who shall remain nameless, walked by myself and another gal, who shall also remain nameless.

The gal who was sitting with me said, and I quote " All I know is, if I had a penis, I certainly wouldn't stick it in that box"

The homeless have lots of time to get things done.

2007-08-17T05:29:00.001-07:00

It seems to me that homeless people should have plenty of time to look for jobs, shop for clothes, or seek psychiatric help.
It's not like they've got to spend a tremendous time on house cleaning.

Think about it...

2007-08-11T19:16:00.000-07:00

Does anyone really lose in a strip poker game?

I Love Blogs

2007-07-23T18:25:00.001-07:00

I like to just scroll through the blogs to see what I find. I especially like the ones that are written in a different language, like Chinese or Japanese. I'll pretend that I can read it and play make believe.

Some days, I'll pretend its something really funny and laugh and laugh.

Other days, I'll pretend its the obituary of a close friend and cry. Not because I'm sad, but because maybe it's actually the obituary of an old friend and I'll never know because I'm too lazy to learn Japanese.

Once, I acted as if they were movie reviews of my favorite movies...and they were all bad reviews. I remember going on and on about how they missed the little nuances because of bad translation of the subtitles.

Other times, if I'm really in a mood, I'll act as if its the long lost Constitution of the City of Atlantis. Geez, what were those guys thinking? Cities don't float.

That's when it gets weird. Or it would if anyone was actually watching me.

Cats...Who needs 'em?

2007-07-23T15:13:00.000-07:00

Did you ever have a cat that you knew was so high and mighty that he was barely tolerating you and the reason he didn't just leave was that he really didn't know anyone and besides that, what kind of landlord would rent his apartment to a cat anyway?

Did you ever figure that the only way to get back at him for his holier-than-thou attitude was to purposely run out of cat food and take three days to go buy some more?

And then, did you ever come home with the food, let him see it, and when he followed you, did you ever go to the toilet and pour the food right into it and say "If you want it so bad, go get it!"?

And when he reached for it, did you ever flush the toilet and secretly hope that he'd get caught up in the whirlpool?

Huh? Did you?

And later, when he got out of the house and got killed by a car while you were at Home Depot, did you all of a sudden feel like you were being kinda petty?

OFF! Spray

2007-06-24T07:45:00.000-07:00

What the hell is going on here? I saw a can of Off! for Kids.
It's some kind of spray and on the can it says it protects kids from Incest.
Has it become that big of a problem that we need a spray to ward of these freaks?
We should probably just spray large areas at a time like we do with mosquitos and other insects....
Oh, wait.
Insects. I read it too fast. That makes much more sense.
Forget I said anything.

Evenings with friends

2007-06-22T17:43:00.000-07:00

When you're in a relationship, its' always good to have some time apart. Whenever guys are with someone, they should always have nights with their friends and the girlfriends should have night with her. Problem is...some guys like to have nights with her girlfriends too. Then it gets sketchy

New TV show idea

2007-05-31T17:48:00.000-07:00

Check this out! It just came to me. An idea for a new TV show. You know how there are all these myths out there that we all think are true or stuff we see on TV and wonder if it would really work?
What if we make a show where we de-bunk all of those myths? Think about it. It would be huge. We can get a few guys and set up the myths and see if they'll hold water.
I figure we can call it Myth-Debunkers. I bet Discovery Channel would love it.
Finally, an idea that will work.
I've invested my life savings into video and production equipment. And I'm moving to California so I can work year 'round.
Awesome. See you on the flip side.

Etiquette for men in a public bathroom.

2007-05-29T18:49:00.000-07:00

Men, here's how to act in a public bathroom. In case you haven't figured it out, nobody wants to talk to you when they're taking a leak. I'll take you step by step to help you avoid being "That guy".

When entering a men's room, you can talk to your buddy right up until you get through the door. After that, all communication must come to an abrupt stop. End it...right then. DO NOT follow your friend to the urinal to finish the conversation. It's weird and the guy next at the urinal next to your friend won't like it. He and your friend will probably get stage fright.
When standing at the ready, you are allowed to unzip your fly and undo your belt and open the front of your pants. DO NOT drop your pants! The back of your pants should look like they're still zipped. Why? Nobody wants to see it.
Look down or up. That's it. Don't look side to side. With any luck, they'll have either a TV or a newpaper page. Don't read the other guys page. You'll be accused of being gay. Harsh, I know, but that's the way it is.
DO NOT speak to your neighbor, no matter if you know him or not.
Please don't overshake. It makes us uncomforable. Above all, don't lean or step back to shake. Incidental eye contact down there has caused a lot of trauma in the past.
Make your way to the sink. Only then can conversation begin again. You've reached the safe zone. Enjoy it. Revel in it.

Following these simples steps can help you avoid unwanted ass-kickings.

"How to attract women with low values"

2007-05-24T15:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I'm out on the town, I pretend to have a unique, sometimes ridiculous job.

I'll be chatting up some chick, being incredibly charming as usual, and they'll ask what I do for a living.

"I'm a Pornographer", I'll say, while batting my eyelids.

Then they'll say, "Did you say Pornographer?"

Me: "Did I"?

Hot Chick: "Yes, you said you were a pornographer"

Me: "That's weird, because I really meant to say pornographer"

It goes on for hours until she finally has had enough and sleeps with me.

Spanish is funny.

2007-05-18T09:53:00.000-07:00

Did you know that the Spanish word for pool is PISCINA?
It's pronounced PISS-EENA.
I know! It's hysterical.

Stupid liquor laws

2007-05-11T15:25:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had 2 half empty bottles of liquore and poured one bottle into the other, thus creating one full bottle or some other fraction of a bottle?

That's called marrying the liquor bottles and in Massachusetts bars, it's illegal for some reason.

Unless of course, those bottles are gay.

The Fine Art of Self Promotion

2007-04-29T15:40:00.000-07:00

Is there a way that I could make money as a self-promoter?
Or am I, by default, limited to one client...me?

Pepsi...Helping a nation with their math.

2007-04-26T17:13:00.003-07:00

It looks like Pepsi is now more than just a delicious breakfast drink or something I use to add a bit of color to my rum.
It seems to be moving into the education field. I was shopping today and walked by the pile of Pepsi 36 packs when I noticed something.

It said "36 pack- 50% more than a 24-pack".

Keep in mind that it didn't say "36 for the price of 24" or "50% more FREE"

It was simply stating the fact that 36 is exactly 50% more than 24.
Who knows why. Maybe to give you something to talk to your dentist about when he's pulling all of your rotted teeth
Or... maybe those go to some of the school districts with funding problems.
I'll bet they fill their vending machines and then send the boxes off to the math teachers.

2007-04-26T17:13:00.001-07:00

If you're one of those people that has a wireless phone headset in their ear all the time, I'm afraid that I have some bad news...You look ridiculous.
Unless you're a very powerful stock broker person or simply fell on a headset and it got lodged in your ear so deeply that removing it would result in your instant death, you don't get enough phone calls to require you to have it there constantly.
I'm sorry, but take it off.

I can't believe I've let this go on.

2007-04-26T17:12:00.002-07:00

So, I design kitchens for a living, right? In doing this, we work with a lot of kitchen islands and peninsulas that people will eventually sit at. This has caused a situation that I can no longer ignore.

When figuring a countertop overhang for people to sit at, we generally like to have 12" of legroom. However, space constraints sometimes require that we shrink that space a bit.

So I'll tell my customers, mostly women, that while 12" is ideal, we can do 10" or even 8". That's when it happens.

"Show me what 10 inches looks like".

Sigh.

One of these days...

2007-04-26T17:12:00.001-07:00

I have a really sensitive tooth. Not emotionally sensitive, like it cries when I don't pay enough attention to it, but more like I feel a great deal of pain when I drink cold drinks or even breath in cold air.

This is really curtailing my eating, especially since my favorite meal is ice cube salad with cold water dressing.
So, I tried some home remedies that I made up.

The first was to eat tons of ice cream so as to make me immune to the cold. As you can imagine, that didn't work.
The second, blowing compressed air onto it, just sent me into fits of rage. I didn't really do that, but I can imagine that it would hurt a great deal.

The third thing was to visit a dentist. What did he do? He blew compressed air onto it to be sure. I didn't really need that.

I'm having it repaired next week. Should be nice.

2007-04-26T17:11:00.003-07:00

Ladies, if you go shopping for feminine products, I think its' best if you put them away the minute you get home

I came home from work once and my girlfriend at the time was cooking dinner and what did I see? A bottle of Summer's Eve feminine wash.

My first thought? "I'm not putting THAT on my salad!"

Right next to it was a 2-pack of douches. Now, I'm all for doing things as a couple, but I have to draw the line somewhere.

2007-04-26T17:11:00.001-07:00

Click, click, pop ,whistle, whistle! Pop, pop, whistle, whistle, click!

Hahahhahahaha!!!!

Oh, wait...My keyboard was stuck on the Kalahari Bushman language. Crap!

Oh well, no time to retype it. It's to bad, too. It was a wicked funny joke.

2007-04-26T17:10:00.001-07:00

Against all rational thinking and advice, I've adopted a couple of skunks. And get this...I didn't pay a cent for them. They've been living under my deck for awhile so I just made it official.

Now, I don't let them come inside at all, because that would be crazy. Even if they didn't mean to, I'm sure they'd spray accidentally. I know this because the same thing happens to me with flatulence.

So I keep them outside under the porch. They come out to play once in a while, usually when nobody is home and the yard light is off. I think they play a game called "Here Kitty Kitty, let's see who's the tough guy now!"

I'll catch them in my headlights when I return from wherever I was, which was probably some very important meeting with the head of something.

I'm usually greeted by a rear end with a tail in the air, which I assume is the skunk equivalent of "Hello, there! It sure is nice to see you!"

Tonight they were in the yard, so I went inside and yelled to Linda "Come out and see the skunks. They're asking about you!"

She said " Nooooooo!", which I assume is the Linda equivalent of "You're an idiot and I'm not bathing you in tomato juice when you get sprayed!"

So it's me, Linda and my pet skunks. They'll be pets right up until I get sprayed. After that, they'll be the "damn things what drank all that antifreeze that day".

2007-04-26T17:09:00.002-07:00

I used to have fits of road rage a lot. But not any more.

How did I change? I'm glad you asked. I simply learned to accept certain things.

I learned to accept that I am obviously the best driver in the whole damn world. Why else would I get so mad at everyone else's stupid, friggin' driving. I mean, if I drove as bad as that f***ckin guy in front of me.."Hey, if you're gonna turn, take the motherf'n turn"...I probably wouldn't notice it.
You should try it. It's very liberating. Of course you'd be living a complete lie because nobody is a better driver than me. Just ask me.

2007-04-26T17:09:00.001-07:00

Because I'm very frugal, I didn't want to spend a lot of money on a dehumidifier for my basement, but I had to do something about all of the moisture down there.
Sooo...since the commercials say that they're very absorbent, I opened up a bunch of Kotex pads and spread them around down there.
Not only will my basement be dry, but it should also end up smelling as fresh as the morning dew.

2007-04-26T17:08:00.000-07:00

Six Flags New England, you are a liar! A liar! Or bad at math. But I'm guessing liar. And this time it isn't just a lunatic's rant, but a fact based tirade.

I passed a billboard today that said "Come to Six Flags! Now double the fun with 2 new rides!"

Now, I'm pretty good at math, but even if I wasn't, I'd be able to figure out that if you're doubling the fun with two new rides, then you'd only have had 2 rides to begin with, right?

And that does NOT make an amusement park. If it did, every parent who rents a pony and a jumpy-thing for their kids birthday could qualify for whatever tax advantages being an amusement park brings.

So, change the sign Six Flags. Technically, the amount of fun you're adding really depends on how many rides you have in the first place and is a percentage thereof.

Maybe you could change it to "Increase your fun by 1/32 with 2 new rides"... or something. Probably not as catchy, but at least it's honest.

2007-04-26T17:06:00.002-07:00

Poor Samuel L. Jackson. I thought his career was going well for a while, but I guess not.
Looking back, I guess it wasn't really going well at all. Other than Pulp Fiction and Star Wars, it's been mediocrity right along.
I was singing his praise for his role in 'Driving Miss Daisy', but it turns out he wasn't in it. Apparently, that was Jessica Tandy.

His latest, called "Snakes on a Plane" has got me perplexed. Guess what it's about?

Here you go. It's about SNAKES!... SNAKES ON A PLANE!

I KNOW! Who would've guessed?

Since I'll never see this movie, I'll have to extrapolate the plot from the trailers I've seen.

Sammy appears to be some kind of agent. Probably a secret one and he's probably doing one of the following:

Protecting a witness to something, maybe a jaywalking violation
Transporting a prisoner. A lone agent transporting a dangerous criminal. I'm sure that actually happens a lot.
Posing as an airline food critic to get a free ride.

This is where it gets interesting. Somehow, snakes end up on the plane (See title of movie). After that, you can imagine how innovative the plot gets.

They must have thought that the movie was SO good that it didn't need a catchy title. I'm going to bet that they were wrong.

Some ideas that didn't make it past the intensive title screening process:
"Boa, Boa, Boeing?
"Andy and the Airborne Anacondas!"
" Coffee, Tea, or...Oh My God! Snakes On a Plane!"

Like all great movies, this one will probably spawn a few catch phrases. Here are some I'd like to see.

Hero opens the plane door and snakes get sucked out the opening. Hero looks at sexy flight attendant. "See...I told you snakes can't fly".

Better yet, he opens the cockpit door and sees a snake on the pilot's lap. Naturally the pilot is dead. The hero looks at the Co-pilot and says "Wait a minute, Snakes can't fly".

That could be a little comic relief. As much comic relief as you can get on a stupid snakes-on-a-plane movie, anyway.

2007-04-26T17:06:00.001-07:00

I saw a sign at the Red Cross for CPR and choking lessons, so I'm going to do it. Why? I just think it would be nice to be able to save someone's life if the situation arises. That and I think I'll probably want to choke someone eventually so it would be nice to know how to do it correctly.

2007-04-26T17:05:00.000-07:00

Since I've killed everything I've ever planted in my front yard, I've come up with a new plan.

It involves reverse psychology. I'm planting some new plants and I'm going to treat them like weeds. It seems cruel, but what do I have to lose? Plants? I mean, it seems to work perfectly well on children.

I'll just walk around the yard, mumbling things like "Boy, I sure do hope that those things don't grow. That would ruin everything! They're probably too dumb to grow anyway. Yep, you stupid plants can't even grow right. Probably don't even know what photosynthesis is."

By then I'm sure I wont be able to hold it in, so I'll just run away to start giggling, maybe hide behind a tree, reveling in my superior intellect over the plant world.

So, to review my plan of berating the plants to get them to grow.

Juvenile? Yes.
Will it work? Probably not.
Will that stop me from doing it? Definitely not.

2007-04-26T17:04:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, I thought the Dukes of Hazzard was an awesome show. And it was, I think. It taught me that when I jump my car over a ramp and the front end bends like a pretzel, that I should just keep driving and it will fix itself.

There are also several reasons why I want to live in Hazzard County

Every bush or shrub has a ramp next to it.
If you commit a crime and the cops are chasing you, all you have to do is lose them and you're off the hook. If I was the cops, I would have just gone to the Duke's farm and waited for them to come back. I never got why they didn't do that. Probably not as exciting.

I said several, but I keep forgetting them. I'll add some more when I go out drinking next.

2007-04-26T17:03:00.004-07:00

THINGS I’VE LEARNED WHILE BEING IN A SKI CLUB

The human body is indeed a beautiful thing. Unless it’s 20 lbs overweight and stuffed into a Spandex Spyder suit on race day.
The human body can also be a very noisy and smelly place. That body inevitably belongs to your roommate.
Wait long enough and you’ll eventually see every member naked….unfortunately.
Girls. Fun. Drunk girls. Even more fun. VERY drunk girls. Not fun. Especially when they yell at you because you don’t understand SLUR.
Guests don’t understand the phrase ‘Pace Yourself’. See #4
Skiing/Snowboarding is the perfect cure for a hangover. If only the lifts would open at noon.
The ride up is definitely more enjoyable than the ride back.
Sleep is for the weak…or the very drunk.
Rules are meant to be broken, especially the one where you can’t mess with someone if they’ve made it to their room.
My definition of quiet and someone else's definition are actually quite different.
Never pay full price for your equipment or lift tickets.
ULLR is the Norse god of winter or snow and ODIN is the god of summer. Not many people know that. And except for a few days in November, nobody really cares.
Earplugs can be your best friend. So can a lock on your door.
Whipped cream is a delicious dessert topping….and a key ingredient in most pranks and sexual activities. You should, however, get a separate can for each and make sure they’re clearly marked.
If you haven’t done the ‘walk of shame’ at least once, then you need to rethink your game plan.

2007-04-26T17:03:00.003-07:00

Hey! If TOUCHE' is pronounced Too-Shay, then why isn't DOUCHE pronounced the same way? Think about it. You use it more in everyday conversation and sound classy and worldly.

"Excuse me for a moment. I'll be right back. I'm going to have myself a Douche'..."

2007-04-26T17:03:00.001-07:00

It's funny how we set limits for ourselves and what we consider to be over the top. For me, a Burger King DOUBLE Whopper is perfectly fine, while a TRIPLE one just seems wrong and un-natural.

2007-04-26T17:02:00.002-07:00

I love cooking whole chickens.
Not the living, clucking kind, but the pre-killed de-headed kind.
It's probably the only time you can rub spices into the breast of something that's been long dead without the risk of being pointed at or locked up.

2007-04-26T17:02:00.001-07:00

I've been noticing that there is a very common thread with movies today. There always seems to be the "Final Battle Between Good and Evil!".

It's probably in the moviegoer's best interest, I guess. I don't think I'd enjoy a movie where Good and Evil are having tea and rubbing each other's feet.

2007-04-26T17:01:00.002-07:00

It's amazing what people will do to be on TV.

I was watching a show on the Discovery Channel about people who are in the witness protection program.
Now, it seems to me that if I was in the 'Program' (That's what those of us in the know call it), I'd do my very, very best to keep it a secret. Chances are that I'm not in this program for doing something very nice to some even nicer people.

Here are some other shows I'll expect to see shortly

Serial killers who got away with it. See where they are now.
My house, My Methadone Lab
Cheating the IRS is easier than you think. Look how it's done

2007-04-26T17:01:00.001-07:00

Did you know that if you cover a pot of water, it will boil faster?

I know what you're thinking... Witchcraft!

That's exactly what I thought, but apparently it's got something to do with a thing called "Science"

2007-04-26T17:00:00.002-07:00

I wanted to see if one of the area sporting goods store had a particular item, so I went to check their website. That's when things went awry.....

How? Well, let's just say, the website address for Dick's Sporting Goods is NOT www.DICKS.com! If you don't believe me, Click on it.

2007-04-26T17:00:00.001-07:00

You know how I love puppies, but have no use for them when they become adult dogs?

Well, chances are that I'm not the only one, so I've come up with a new enterprise that will surely bring me a bonanza AND keep everyone in puppy-dom.
Puppy Leasing!!!

That's right, I said Puppy Leasing. I can charge a monthly fee, maybe $29, and provide people with a puppy.
When the puppy is grown, we take it and provide a replacement. It can be the same type or you can try a new breed. It'll be great.

Of course, I'll have a whole crap-load of adult dogs to deal with, so I'll probably just end up killing the damn things. It's pretty obvious that nobody wants them anyway. Otherwise I wouldn't have a thriving business on my hands.

But, as usual, I'll take a lot of shit for this idea.

"I don't think people will like this"
"That's disgusting"
"Where are your pants?"

Fine! I'll only charge $19 a month.

2007-04-26T16:58:00.001-07:00

Things are looking promising for me, lawn-wise. Today I had to cut BOTH blades of grass!

2007-04-26T16:56:00.000-07:00

Hold on everybody! Time for a new segment on Random Thoughts!!!

"Old-time sayings closely examined"

This segment was going to be called, "English Idioms Rebuked", but to be honest, I had to look up both Idiom and Rebuke to make sure it made sense. Just to be thorough, I looked up English as well.

I was correct but since there are few people with my grammatical prowess, I had to dumb it down a bit. Otherwise people would get angry and not read.

"Stupid Mike on his high horse; English Idiots Re-puking? What the hell is he talking about?" So there you have it. On with the show.

A Penny saved is a Penny earned- Not at today's interest rates. That would be 100% return on investment. My bank barely gives me 3% on a CD. Why? Because if they gave me a penny for every penny I saved, they would be out of business, that's why.
A Bird in the hand is worth two in the bush- I don't know why, but this saying makes me think of sex.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth-Did people actually give horses as gifts at some time? If I did get a horse and it was almost dead, I'd certainly look it in the mouth. It's the same as giving me moldy muffins or cake. Now I have to throw it out instead of the gift giver. Not so bad if its delicious pastry, but I don't know where to dispose of a horse. Keep it.
Curiosity Killed the Cat- Not my cat. She was definitely curious to see what was outside, so curiosity may have helped in my cat's death, but it didn't actually kill her. I'm pretty sure it was the right front tire of the car that finally did her in. Curiosity was simply an accessory.
Go to Hell in a hand-basket- ??????????
Let sleeping dogs lie-I guess the thing here is that if you wake up a dog and he starts talking at all, you should be pretty amazed. If he's lying, get over it. He's probably still groggy. I would just call Fox News and get someone with a camera over there as fast as you can.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree- Probably very true. Unless it's during a hurricane.

2007-04-26T16:54:00.000-07:00

I got an invitation for a friend's graduation party today.
It said "Regrets Only"
"OK" , I thought. So I responded thusly,

Dear Meredith,
I regret:

Not buying Wal-mart or Microsoft stocks way back when
Not acquiring more property ten years ago.
Letting my cat out that time. She got hit by a car.
Turning down a chance to get in on the ground floor of a coffee shop. What the hell is a Starbuck anyway? Wasn't he on Battlestar Galactica?
Plastics. That's all I'm going to say.

I'm still going to the party, but I don't know what she needs my regrets for. Does the person with the most win a prize. Let's hope so. Maybe that person gets more booze.

2007-04-26T16:50:00.000-07:00

I guess the Vatican is having a hard time finding a replacement Pope. I was on Monster.com today and found this.
I can pretty much assume that there will now be a place in hell reserved for me.
Check it out.

2007-04-26T16:49:00.000-07:00

I had a great idea today. I could buy a 900 number and kill two birds with one stone. I could combine a weather info line and a phone sex line. Think about it...

Phone sex/weather lady: Thank you for calling. What's your name?
Anonymous caller: Mike... I mean Paul.
Phone sex/weather lady: Well Paul, what are you wearing?
Paul: Just my underwear. And I'm touching myself.
Phone sex/weather lady: Well, Paul, you better put on a parka, because it's going to be cold and windy in Haverhill for the next few days.

I'm pretty sure I hit pay dirt with this one.

2007-04-26T16:48:00.000-07:00

Well, kids, I just returned from a splendid snowboarding trip to Canada and I bring some disturbing news. The Canadians look exactly like us.
They look so much like us that there could be Canadians in our country as we speak, living among us, plotting.
Plotting what, I'm not sure but brrrrr....The thought of it sends chills down my spine.

Canada: Pros and Cons
Pros:

Free healthcare
Free luggage carts at the airport

Cons:

Too many Canadians
Expensive beer. $47 for a 30 pack. I almost thought about not drinking any. Almost.
That weird lady at the gift shop. You know, the one whose left eye would slowly open and close while she spoke. Quite odd, don't you think?

2007-04-25T17:09:00.003-07:00

My friend Lisa had a fundraiser for the victims of the Tsunami this weekend. The fundraiser was this weekend, not the Tsunami.
I find that the only proper way to show that you care is took get real drunk and give prizes to people who are equally drunk. It certainly beats flying to Asia to pick up the pieces, I can tell you that.
At any rate, I saw the epitome of irony. You know what that is? Irony is when the person who wins the teeth whitening prize (value $300) is the seventy year old lady with dentures and the person who wins the gift certificate for the hair salon shaves his head.
I wonder if the dentist offers drop off service for her teeth. That would be convenient.

2007-04-25T17:09:00.001-07:00

I entered a snowboard race this weekend and came in fourth. I think I should have won and was pretty upset for awhile until I figured out what happened.
Those other guys were probably much, much faster than me. It's the same reason I didn't make it my attempt to play pro baseball. I failed my tryout because I don't throw, catch or hit very well.

2007-04-25T17:06:00.000-07:00

When I want to be alone for awhile, I'll send my girlfriend out shopping. To make sure she's gone awhile, I'll demand that she not return until she has everything on the list.
I'll make up items she'll surely not find. Like my dignity. Or a passenger side rearview mirror for a car that never actually existed.

2007-04-25T17:05:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to come up with ideas for my own business and it's been pretty difficult. I can't seem to nail it down, but I've come up with a few ideas, although I haven't really figured out how to get paid. Here are a few:

Computer Solitaire Stand-in- I'll play solitaire for you. This will allow you to get your work done and since I play non-stop, I'll keep your win/loss ratio respectable.
Lackey-About to get in trouble for something? I'll take the blame. Fee can be adjusted to suit the situation. Got caught leaving a strip joint? Blame me. Naturally, anything that I would face jail time for is unacceptable. For now.
Fast Food Taster-Actually my friend does this on an unofficial basis right now, so I'll sub-contract him. Essentially, this service entails him trying whatever new fast food offering emerges and advising you on it, thereby saving you lots of time and calories.
List compiler-Need a list? I'll make one. Whatever it is.
Designated Driver- Limited Availability. Monday-Wednesday and maybe an occasional Thursday.
Pet Grim Reaper- Got a family dog that's old and sick? Does he need to be put down? Or are you just regretting that promise you made to buy Timmy a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig if he ate his vegetables? I'll do what needs to be done. A couple of options are available. I can simply take the animal to the vet to be euthanized or I can stage an elaborate "car accident" to completely alleviate you of any blame and guilt.

2007-04-25T17:04:00.000-07:00

You know what really irritates me? The way the people in supermarkets meander about. Dilly dallying as if I'm NOT in a hurry.
It's rude and it's selfish and I'm tired of it.
Like the old lady in front of me in the deli. Listen lady, the deli guy has no idea how much 3 1/2 slices of domestic ham is. A few aisles later, I had to tow one of those cool battery powered carts to the front. There had been an accident. Luckily, no one was injured, but someone had fled the scene. There's an APB out for a Blue haired woman about 3' 6" tall and shrinking.

2007-04-25T17:01:00.000-07:00

Not that we need it, but I'm thinking of writing a guide for men. I've been tossing around an outline of chapters and subjects.

Food

Cool Whip as a Meal
Milk! Breaking the expiration date barrier.
Can Chef Boyardee cause sterility? A risk I’m willing to take.
What is that white stuff?
Beer space in the fridge. Is there an acceptable balance?

House Related

Cleaning your house vs. buying a new one…a cost analysis.
Should your girlfriend have a key? Probably not. Here’s why…
The Swifter is my new friend.
Odors. How to eliminate them and when to ignore them.
Your toilet seat and you. Up, down? Who cares? Either way, you’re peeing.

Laundry

Wearing the same pants. How many days in a row is too many?
Socks and why they need not match.
Tighty whiteys vs. boxers. A long-term road test.
The myth that is clean underwear.

Women

Will she check your email if left alone? Why chance it. How to set a password.
She doesn't understand your porn collection. Women for some reason do not understand our need to look at porn. They think it’s much more deeply rooted than it is. Ladies, simply put, it’s pictures of people having sex. Enough said.
Leaving incriminating things around as a joke for her to find. Why doesn't SHE think it's funny?
Your caller ID WILL get you in trouble. Clear it immediately.

Pets…What’s cool and what’s not.

To me, cat’s are cool. To others, cats belong with old ladies. Dogs are more complicated, however. Should you get a big German Shepherd or a Pit Bull? Some would say you’re compensating for something. However, if you get a toy poodle or a Shi-Tzu to prove that you’re secure in your manhood, you’re opening yourself up to a lot of laughing and finger pointing. Don’t even think about gerbils. Ask Richard Gere. Go get a fish tank.

2007-04-25T17:00:00.001-07:00

I have found that when I have a stack of Table Talk pies staring me in the face that I have a dilemma.
I don't want to start scarfing them down because that would make me a pig.
Yes, eating pie just for the sake of eating pie makes you a pig. Pie was meant to be eaten as a dessert.
Therefore, I've been making up meals to eat prior to devouring another pie. There's breakfast, post-breakfast, warm-up lunch, real lunch, and cool-down lunch. Then we move onto interim meal, insert-name-here meal, faux dinner, quausi-dinner, prelude to dinner, dinner-dinner, epilogue to dinner, dinner wrap-up and then finally one more pre-bedtime pie, I mean, meal.

2007-04-25T16:57:00.000-07:00

You know how they say never go food shopping while hungry? It's good advice and I ignored it. And now I know why you shouldn't. Here, my friends, is a warning to you.