Why didn't I ever think of this before?

I think I'm going to start eating breakfast before I go to be at night. I think it will save me time in the morning.

Disappearing donuts?

Have you ever gone to Dunkin Donuts and gotten a couple donuts that you ate so fast, you couldnt remember eating them?

And then did you slowly peer into the bag to check, hoping that you may not have eathen them yet and they'd still be available?

No?

Hmmm.

Beer slang...

I was around some people tonight that I would say weren't exactly party animals like myself. Or myself at a younger age (maybe two months ago or something).

These were a bunch of people who probably havent ripped it up a lot in their life and therefore, they've probably become very successful and have at least several brain cells left.

You can tell a non-party animal who is trying to pass himself off as one by just listening to the way they speak and try to use hip, slang venacular.

If you hear someone say "Yo! I put the brewskis in the cooler. I had a few brewskis already, but I bought some more brewskis on the way here", chances are that he probably hasn't ever had more than a six pack in his life.

Saying "Brewski" once is a dead giveaway, but three times in a sentence is just not good. Not good at all.

Dear Lottery...

Dear Lottery,
My numbers don't seem to be coming out at all. Could you check on that and get back to me?

Thanks,
Mike

Who is it?

I have two other beings that live in my house.

One is my lovely Audra and the other is our wicked boss cat, Conway.

When I come home, I will usually rub both of their bellies for awhile.

One of them enjoys it and purrs a lot. The other finds it annoying, intrusive and somewhat demeaning.

Sunrises

Sunrises are beautiful. I watched it twice this weekend.

I think more people would take advantage of them if they would have them at a more reasonable time.

Unfortunately, they happen at sunrise. And in this area, sunrise only happens in the morning.

Really early in the morning.

We also watched sunset. These occur at a time when more people are able and willing to partake.

And they look exactly like a sunrise, but in reverse.

The things that I think of...

Audra and I went to Acadia National Park in Maine for Memorial Day Weekend. We found this cool set of rocks along the coast and came across a large overhang that looked like a cave. I asked her to come down in the cave with me, but she wouldn't.

For the rest of the hike I was thinking of this stupid scenario...

"Audra, come check this out"

"What's down there"

"Nothing. Just some bats"

"What? Did you say hats"?

"Yes. That's what I said. This cave is full of hats. No. I said bats"

"I'm not coming down into a cave full of bats"

"Are you afraid of bats?"

"No. Not the actual bats. I'm afraid of the vampires that they eventually turn into"

"That IS a valid fear, since it's well known that all bats, regardless of their species immediately turn into vampires the minute that the sun goes down."

"So you agree with me?"

"I do. And I also can help you. I didn't want to tell you, but I'm actually a werewolf"

"I kinda figured that, but what's that got to do with me?"

" Everyone knows that the werewolf is the natural enemy of the vampire and one of few creatures that can kill it"

" Go on"

"So if these bats turn into vampires, I'll change into a werewolf and protect you"

"You'll be one werewolf against thousands of bats"

" So"

"One against a thousand isn't good odds"

"I know karate"

"Besides, what's to stop you from attacking me along with the vampires. You might even join their team."

"' I guess you'll have to trust me. I assume I'll be able to control myself"

" You, I trust. Werewolf Mike...I don't know. Seems risky"

" You don't have many options"

" I have one option. I won't go down in the cave"

" Whatever you want"

" Good"

"You're probably making the right decision. I'm not sure I'm a werewolf anyway. I just got bitten by a dog once that looked like a wolf, so I assumed that I had a werewolf gene buried in me somewhere. Plus, I don't think these are bats either. Now that I look closely, they're just little rocks"

Lazy cat!

I like to make outrageous demands of my cat.


They usually involve trying to get him to lift a finger and do some housework and help Audra out. God knows I don't do enough.


Or maybe pick up a shovel once in a while and help clear the driveway when it snows.

Avocados

I had some avacado the other day for the first time.

I got a sandwich, but where there should have been bacon, someone put avacado.

The color threw me off at first but then I tasted it and it was good. It was as if someone had taken guacamole and compressed it into a brownie like form and then cut it up into slices.

Why wouldn't they just call it guacamole? It's pretty obvious what it is.

A word of caution

If you're ever out biking; Never, ever, ever go up a road that has the word "Ledges" in it's name.

Unfair advertising

Why is it that my "not cleaning the house" gets top billing in very large letters on the marquee, but when I do clean, I'm not even mentioned?

Tofu and my preconception

You know, I’ve actually never had TOFU, so it might be good…but I doubt it.

Tall Chicks

I’ve always thought that anything over six feet tall is a waste, so that’s really why I decided to stop growing once I reached 5' 10"

My fiance' is a few inches taller than me, but I'm ok with it because I'm a confident guy.

Plus, there's nothing I can do about it AND she's pretty hot.

She's also a bit younger than me, which again, is kinda cool.

The only thing that’s going to suck is when I’m older and I start shrinking. We’re gonna look ridiculous with her towering over my wrinkled, imploding body.

My only hope is that she gets a nasty case of scoliosis. You know… curvature of the spine where old ladies hunch over?

That way, even though she’ll technically be taller than me, nobody will really notice.

Unless they lay her on her stomach and jump on her back to straighten her out.

Even then, I certainly wouldn’t lay down next to her so they could measure.

It ain't gonna happen

Show me a grown man who admits to buying size 'small' underwear and I'll show you a guy who will also admit that he wishes condoms came in smaller sizes.

Cats should learn to put their tail down when they walk.

Nobody wants to see what they have going on there.

Gym dudes

Certain things bother me about the gym.

One being the guys who walk around naked in the locker room, shave naked in the locker room, and do everything else that could easily be done with a towel on.

Another is guys who wear gloves to lift. That seems ridiculous to me.

Now, if you're a guy who wears gloves AND is bigger than me, I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about that other guy. The little one over there.

It was only a matter of time...

Audra and I were out with some friends and somehow the subject of cassettes and 8 tracks came up.

We were going on and on and laughing about it when all of a sudden..... Audra says "What's an 8 track?"

I think I immediately got liver spots and glaucoma.

How old people drive

I was driving along today and was sitting at a light. All of a sudden I was bumped.

Not by the van directly behind me, but by the gigantic Lincoln town car behind me and to the right. How that guy bumped me is still up in the air.

I looked back in the rearview to see who it was. I knew it wasn't the van so I looked at the other car.

In that car is this old man with both hands on the wheel staring straight ahead.

I got out of my truck and went behind it to check for damage. Luckily there was none, but the guy was still staring ahead with both hands on the wheel. I thought I'd stand there to see if he noticed me. Nothing. Not even a glance.

I decided no to do anything, but I'm guessing that this happens to this old man several times a day.

I've come to the conclusion that old people drive by hope and hope alone.

• I hope there's nobody in this lane I'm drifting into
• I hope there's nobody behind me
• I hope there's nobody in front of me
• I hope that light is green
• I hope this sidewalk is free of people and obstacles

Blatant trademark infringement

Have you seen the store brands of soda that Walmart has? It's pretty obvious that they're ripping of the major brands and I'm suprised that they get away with it, really.

Poor defenseless Pepsi and Dr Pepper spend all this money on marketing and Walmart comes in and takes it.

I guess Walmart figures there are enough differences that if Pepsi takes them to court, the case will get thrown out.

I can see Walmart bringing in a huge team of lawyers who will spend hundreds of hours rattling on and on about copyrights and how their color is more fuscia than maroon and the Dr. on their can is actually a PHD, not an MD, like Dr. Pepper.

Pepsi would just send one guy into the courtroom and when it was his turn to speak, he just turns and point to the can and says "COME ON! and rest his case.

A brief serious moment...

I recently transformed my girlfriend Audra into my fiance. Below is an email that she sent out to her friends and family. Audra is a great writer and has a way of getting her feelings and thoughts across using the written word.

And now...


They say that diamonds are a girl’s best friend. While few can argue, I was fortunate enough to have met my best friend a year and a half ago. It wasn’t a diamond, rather a man who has since made all my dreams come true. While I always hoped our journey together would last forever, my hopes were answered this past Saturday when the man I love dropped to one knee and proposed.

I am ecstatic to announce that Mike Kirtland and I are officially engaged!

It might have been cold our there, our snowmobiles pulled off to the side in a snowy landscape outlined by trees, but it would serve as the ideal setting for ‘catching me off guard.’ The previous hour had been spent racing down the trails, me riding with Mike, two close friends of ours riding closely behind. Suddenly, Mike pulled over, like he had done numerous other times along our route. How was I to know that this would be any different? As he climbed off the snowmobile and chatted with our friends, I sat patiently, trying to keep warm. He came back asking me to remove my helmet, to which I replied, “no way, it’s cold out.” He tried to take it off for me, which I again refused. After disappearing from a couple of moments he came back and calmly asked, “could you do me a favor and take off your helmet.” It was then I knew!

“No way! Here! Now!” was my initial response. He got me. Though the signs were there all along, I was caught completely off-guard. As he asked me to take off my glove and reached into his pocket I was ready for whatever came my way. He got down on one knee and uttered the most sincere words I could imagine. Would I marry him? YES! While my response my muffled with teary eyes, it was official. As he slid ‘the most gorgeous ring I have seen’ on my finger, we embraced, sharing our first kiss as an engaged couple. Our friends captured the whole thing on camera, which will serve as a great memory for years to come!

In true Mike and Audra fashion, as we geared back up and started to drive off, we misjudged the snow bank and tipped the snowmobile over, sending us flying off. It was a slow-speed crash and we laughed and laughed, knowing it was the perfect ending to a very exciting moment!

Perhaps the most interesting part of the journey was the car ride to the rental shop. Mike had been practicing a song on the guitar, “Wonderful Tonight” for a couple of months and we always joked that when he played that song for me, we would get engaged. As he turned on the radio in the car, that song was playing! I had no idea what was to come, but it couldn’t have been more prophetic!

All in all it was a wonderful engagement and we are thrilled! I may have met my best friend a while ago, but for those times when he isn’t nearby, I can now look down on my left hand and know he is never far away…

Thanks for everything along the way!

Audra


Here's the email I sent out. I think it's nice in it's own way. And the pricing is very fair.

Well, we finally did it. On Saturday, I asked Audra to marry me and she said yes. So I officially have a fiance.

We went snowmobiling in North Conway and we stopped along the trail. I had Steve and Caren with us to take pictures and carry the champagne.

I caught her completely by surprise. It was great moment. She loves the ring and hasn't stopped smiling since. At first I just thought she was frozen, but it's stayed on.

The story is a good one and I'm sure I'll be telling it until you're all tired of it.

I should be posting pictures as soon as we get them from Caren but here's a picture of the ring on her finger.

Hopefully we'll be seeing everyone soon. We'll be up on Friday for Championship/Toga. Ring viewing will begin at 9:00 and continue until Sunday at some point.

Pricing will be as follows:
See the ring- $2
Touch the ring- $4
Picture with one half of the couple (your choice)- $4
Picture of the whole couple- $6- time permitting.
Picture of the couple in front of the keg- $14
Pour the man fiance a beer- $0

For those value minded people, we have a special where for $1 you can look at the ring from afar, but won't be able to come into the same room as the ring without incurring the above charges.

Mike Kirtland- Fiance haver

Useless skills

In my life, I like to think that I've learned some pretty valuable skills.

I can build things; fix cars and just about anything else that breaks; I am pretty computer savvy and a pretty good speller. These are all useful, handy things.

I like to think that those skills offset my other less tangible skills like being able to juggle somewhat. That skill is limited though. I can only juggle three pieces at a time and they absolutely have to be round, like a tennis ball.

I can talk like I'm underwater for some reason and can make a lot of funny noises.

For instance, I can make a sound that sounds a lot like the Jetson's car. My elephant impression is pretty good to.

I can catch coins off of my elbow like the Happy Day's episode when Fonzie's nephew made it into the Guinness book of world records.

But I guess my most useless skill is knowing Roman numerals. There is just no real use for them these days.

In fact, I can count exactly three times that this skill helps.

1. I know what Superbowl we're on

2. I know what year movies were made

3. I can tell what Queen, King or Pope we're talking about.

That's pretty much it. And it's not going to get me rich anytime soon.

Oh, and I can make my stomach really fat for a few minutes at a time.

Phone calls you'll never hear...

"Hello. Thank you for calling the Jehovah's Witnesses. How can I help you?"

"Oh thank god you answered. I wasn't home this afternoon and I'm afraid I missed your visit. Could you send someone over right away? I have a lot of questions."

More moneymaking ideas...

How about this?


You know when you fill out a form and it asks for an emergency contact?


I'm going to start selling raffles and the winner gets to be that contact.

Ten years from now if something happens to me and they get a call, they'll remember "Oh Yea, I won that raffle that time. Boy, that Mike sure was a fun guy."

Plus, I'll do that for every new form I fill out so that everyone gets a chance. One raffle per form. One winner per raffle. One contact assignment per winner.

It can stand alone...

It seems to me that Coffeemate could ditch coffee and go out on it's own and still stand proud.

My cat and I

Many, many times throughout the day, if I am home, I look at my cat who is staring at me, and say "How did you get here?"

"What has transpired in my life that somehow allowed you to be here staring at me as if I am the outsider?"

"WHAT! ANSWER ME, DAMN YOU!"

My cat doesn't blink much.