The 4 food groups

I have revised the 4 basic food groups to reflect my tastes and lifestyle.

Since the government doesn't regulate what we are required to eat yet, I haven't broken any laws at all.

The 4 Food Groups and what's in MY food groups

Dairy- Fried Mozzarella Sticks
Veggies- Fried Zucchini Sticks
Meat- Fried Chicken Fingers
Grains- Every one of those is breaded

Short lived ecstasy

Have you ever had a job that you didn’t like and found out that the company was closing or something and you were relieved because you could make a change and not feel guilty?



I had a job once and the company was going to be sold. “Excellent” I thought. I can finally get outta here.


Then the new CEO came in and informed everyone that nobody would be fired when they took over.


"Wow", I said. "Are you sure? What if I’ve been stealing or something? I really think I've been stealing a lot of things for a long time. Definitely. I've been stealing.

And drinking on the job. I do that a lot"

Very specific breakfasts

I only eat breakfasts that contain the words “Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity”.

I suppose it wouldn't necessarily have to be all of the words consecutively, but it always seems to work out that way.

Gals, help us out.

Ladies… I you love your man, PLEASE don’t EVER start a sentence with the words “I need to tell you something!”

Even if its something good, like "Hey baby, I just baked 450 cookies for you and didn't burn one of them"

OR

"I finally decided that you're right, a threesome really would be good for our relationship"

DO NOT start with "I need to tell you something" because, I'll tell you... even before that sentence is out of your mouth, we've already thrown your stuff out the window.

Craigslist Addiction

I have a friend, Eric, who is pretty addicted to Craigs list.

So much so that when I need to contact him, instead of calling I just put up an ad for something free on Craigs list.

I don’t even have to put my name. Eventually, he calls.

Late Night Ads

I’ve never been a morning person.

I would love to be and on the rare occasions that I do get up early, I enjoy it, but again, that’s pretty rare.

But man, can I stay up late! If there was a staying up late Olympics, I’d be a quadrillion medal winner.

Staying up late affords you the luxury of being able to see some of America’s finest advertising and marketing minds at work, but you generally don’t get to see a lot of top quality products at three in the morning.

I’ve noticed that Mercedes and Rolex don’t tend to focus on those time slots at all.