House hunting...

We've been toying with the idea of moving. Audra contacted a realtor who asked us what our wants and needs were. I discovered that needs and wants, until now lumped into one category, are really different, if not equally important.

Needs:

1. Roof
2. Light switches- The kind that turn the lights on AND off.
3. Floors- Not ones that turn to mud in the rain
4. Toilet
5. Second toilet
6. Kitchen, I guess

Wants:

1. 2 car garage
2. Workout/Music/Creative Writing room. In case I get good at any of these.
3. Rich untapped oil/natural gas/diamond reserves on the property. I'd be happy to provide the means of extraction
4. Dingos lurking at the perimeter of the lot.
5. A dog running at the inside perimeter, barking at the dingos. How else will I be alerted to the dingos?
6. A dingo alarm if they exist.
7. A lonely divorcee next door. One of those good looking ones, too. Preferably one who thinks that, compared to her ex, I'm hot.
8. Some way to control the weather to match my moods. That way neighbors know when it's ok to call.
9. Mosquitos and flies. I can't get enough of those.
10. A screened in porch in case I finally get enough of those.
11. Kids. Screaming kids of all ages... and a high powered pellet gun with a scope.
12. A hidden room to use the above. No need to go to jail if I don't have to.
13. A retractable roof so I can launch any dirigibles that I might build. That would probably come in handy anyway. So yes, a retractable roof.
14. Trap doors. Oh my god, would I love trap doors! I think I might even mark them with an X. People would totally stand on those. I mean who would have a trap door with an X on it? Me! That's who.

Audra and I got a new little Kitten on Friday so I've decided to launch a "Kitten Visitation" business to help all of you parents out there who have run out of ideas for the kids.

For the low introductory rate of $10 per child, your precious tots can play with our kitten for up to 7 minutes.

Your seven minutes can be split into two sessions of 3.5 minutes each for an additional $5 to cover the cost of bookkeeping.

Anything over 7 minutes and the cost goes up exponentially for some reason.

Rules, Regulations and Disclaimers:

1. Do not look kitten in the eye
2. Do not spit on kitten
3. Do not turn your back on the kitten
4. Do not pull kittens tail without a good reason. "Because it was there" is not a good reason.
5. Do not light kitten on fire.
6. Do not pull kitten in half.
7. Exposure to kitten can cause itching and burning
8. Kitten has claws and knows how to use them.
9. Any dust and/or odors in the house were not there beforehand and were obviously brought in by this kitten.
10. The kitten may actually be the devil, so watch out.
11. The kitten is cute and your child will want one. Ours could be for sale.
12. The kitten loves Taco Bell, but will not eat it in front of you. You can leave it and I'll be sure that he gets to it. He would love Mountain Dew as his drink.

The kitten's name was "Ace" when we got it from the shelter, but I'm not a big fan of one syllable names for animals. It reminds me of Cher.

So we changed it to "Conway". Then in the morning, once the coffee kicked in, I proclaimed him to now be "Conway Kitty", after the deceased semi-famous country singer, Conway Twitty.

So it's Conway, Conway Kitty, CK or Connie. Any of those will be fine.

Anyway, we got a kitten who is very cute. No charge to look at it or touch it. Hurry before it turns into a plain old cat.