The 4 food groups

I have revised the 4 basic food groups to reflect my tastes and lifestyle.

Since the government doesn't regulate what we are required to eat yet, I haven't broken any laws at all.

The 4 Food Groups and what's in MY food groups

Dairy- Fried Mozzarella Sticks
Veggies- Fried Zucchini Sticks
Meat- Fried Chicken Fingers
Grains- Every one of those is breaded

Short lived ecstasy

Have you ever had a job that you didn’t like and found out that the company was closing or something and you were relieved because you could make a change and not feel guilty?



I had a job once and the company was going to be sold. “Excellent” I thought. I can finally get outta here.


Then the new CEO came in and informed everyone that nobody would be fired when they took over.


"Wow", I said. "Are you sure? What if I’ve been stealing or something? I really think I've been stealing a lot of things for a long time. Definitely. I've been stealing.

And drinking on the job. I do that a lot"

Very specific breakfasts

I only eat breakfasts that contain the words “Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity”.

I suppose it wouldn't necessarily have to be all of the words consecutively, but it always seems to work out that way.

Gals, help us out.

Ladies… I you love your man, PLEASE don’t EVER start a sentence with the words “I need to tell you something!”

Even if its something good, like "Hey baby, I just baked 450 cookies for you and didn't burn one of them"

OR

"I finally decided that you're right, a threesome really would be good for our relationship"

DO NOT start with "I need to tell you something" because, I'll tell you... even before that sentence is out of your mouth, we've already thrown your stuff out the window.

Craigslist Addiction

I have a friend, Eric, who is pretty addicted to Craigs list.

So much so that when I need to contact him, instead of calling I just put up an ad for something free on Craigs list.

I don’t even have to put my name. Eventually, he calls.

Late Night Ads

I’ve never been a morning person.

I would love to be and on the rare occasions that I do get up early, I enjoy it, but again, that’s pretty rare.

But man, can I stay up late! If there was a staying up late Olympics, I’d be a quadrillion medal winner.

Staying up late affords you the luxury of being able to see some of America’s finest advertising and marketing minds at work, but you generally don’t get to see a lot of top quality products at three in the morning.

I’ve noticed that Mercedes and Rolex don’t tend to focus on those time slots at all.

Nursery Rhymes For The Psychotic

Sung to the tune of "Hush little Baby" (Mockingbird song)

Hush little baby, don't say a word
Daddy's gonna buy you a mocking bird

And if that mockingbird won't sing
Daddy's gonna squash it with the heel of his shoe.

And if the heel of his shoe won't work
Daddy will probably just crush it with a brick.

Irony

Do you find it weird that sometimes people who are in top physical condition, like marathon runners, end up dying of heart attacks.

I did too, but then realized, Hey, maybe its the heart saying, "No way!, We are NOT running another 26 miles! You just bought a new car for Christ's Sake. Use it"

"Oh Really? Still going, huh? Not today, buddy"

Bam. Gone.

My memory is weird

Why is it that I can't remember one online password (the one for the blog is saved and it logs in automatically), but I still remember the combination to a 15 year old padlock that I barely....Kitty, get off the keyboard.... use?

Facebook owes me money, Dammit!

They say "Time is Money", right?

But, who puts a number on the exact value of that time?

I guess I do. So if we break time into hours (and why wouldnt we?), I put the value of an hour of my time at home at $23.75. My work time if of much more value, but I'm not at work now, Am I?

So I've wasted about 4 hours of my valuable time this week on Facebook. Why? Same reason we climb mountains. Because of the funny emails and writing on walls, and all of the other time hogs that I might miss.

I figure that Facebook owes me $95 and I want it now. I'd refuse to pay my Facebook bill, but it's free, so that option is out the window.

Taking them to court would be the dumbest thing I could do. Mr. Facebook probably doesn't even know where the Salem Superior Court is, so he wouldnt show up anyway.

Maybe I can tax my Facebook friends. Surely they can understand the value of my clever comments and "What I am doing right now" quips.

Hmmmm...what to do. What to do.

A Note From My Cat...

My kitten likes to plant himself on my laptop, whether I'm there or not. I mean my computer, not the upper thigh area that's created when I sit.

I think he's learned how to use it because I found this note in an email window that he opened- By accident according to him.

Dear Mom (and Sister, Sister, Brother, Brother, Brother, Sister),

Meow,

Things have been going great since leaving the animal shelter. I'm sorry you couldn't come, but I did try to persuade the the humans that bought me to go back and get you all.

But, as has happened with most things that I try to tell them, they just thought I had gas and rubbed my tummy. Mmmm....tummy rubs.

It's a pretty nice place with lots of windows. Most of my day is taken up by spending a little time in each of them. It's so warm and outside there are lots of other humans and other things that the girl human call "birds". These birds sit in something called a tree.

And the birds mock me. Oh how they mock me.

Someday, I will teach them that I am not to be mocked.

Hold on a second, I'll be right back...

Sorry. There was a bottle cap on the floor that needed to be knocked around for minute. Then I got distracted by that shoelace that they left around for me to play with.

They treat me like a kid.

The girl human has nice long hair. I like to suck on it as if I'm feeding on your teets, Mom. No milk yet though.

The man human has nice tasting skin. I bite it a lot. Sometimes I lick it and then bite it. He seems to like it, but he tastes salty. I don't think he drinks enough water.

The funny part is the man human's skin is different that the girl's skin. It has fur on it. I also think that he's old too.

I figure that I'm about 12 weeks old, so they're at LEAST 30 weeks old, give or take a couple of days.

Check this out. They have this thing here. It's the craziest thing you've ever thought of. It's scary as hell, yet I'm intrigued by it.

The humans take of their fur and get under this thing that has water coming out of it. I think that they actually get under it ON PURPOSE!!

As far as I can tell, it's a demon that they trapped behind the wall and force it to spray water from its nose, which is the only thing that comes through the wall.

Can you believe that? Brrrr...the thought of it gives me the willies.

I've snuck into the demon's lair while the humans were there, but humans ordered the demon to attack me. I barely made it out alive.

The girl human must have been mad, because she tried to smother me with a towel. It did get the demon juice off though.

Anyway, I should go. I haven't slept for like 8 minutes or something like that. Plus, the humans should be walking in any minute now.

Who knows where they go every day. They leave every morning and later in the day, the man human comes home and goes into the cold closet in the kitchen and gets something.

Whatever it is, he drinks it and gets really funny.

Then the girl human yells at him for doing it every night. That only lasts a few minutes, because the man human peels of his fur and shows the girl something. Then they go into the room where the soft floor that's up high is.

I can't go in until the girl opens the door. I think they wrestle or something since her fur is off everytime too.

Anyway, I"ll talk to you later. If I don't hear from you, I'll assume that nobody bought you and you've all been put to sleep because the girl human refused to take you all.

Meow,
Conway.

House hunting...

We've been toying with the idea of moving. Audra contacted a realtor who asked us what our wants and needs were. I discovered that needs and wants, until now lumped into one category, are really different, if not equally important.

Needs:

1. Roof
2. Light switches- The kind that turn the lights on AND off.
3. Floors- Not ones that turn to mud in the rain
4. Toilet
5. Second toilet
6. Kitchen, I guess

Wants:

1. 2 car garage
2. Workout/Music/Creative Writing room. In case I get good at any of these.
3. Rich untapped oil/natural gas/diamond reserves on the property. I'd be happy to provide the means of extraction
4. Dingos lurking at the perimeter of the lot.
5. A dog running at the inside perimeter, barking at the dingos. How else will I be alerted to the dingos?
6. A dingo alarm if they exist.
7. A lonely divorcee next door. One of those good looking ones, too. Preferably one who thinks that, compared to her ex, I'm hot.
8. Some way to control the weather to match my moods. That way neighbors know when it's ok to call.
9. Mosquitos and flies. I can't get enough of those.
10. A screened in porch in case I finally get enough of those.
11. Kids. Screaming kids of all ages... and a high powered pellet gun with a scope.
12. A hidden room to use the above. No need to go to jail if I don't have to.
13. A retractable roof so I can launch any dirigibles that I might build. That would probably come in handy anyway. So yes, a retractable roof.
14. Trap doors. Oh my god, would I love trap doors! I think I might even mark them with an X. People would totally stand on those. I mean who would have a trap door with an X on it? Me! That's who.

Audra and I got a new little Kitten on Friday so I've decided to launch a "Kitten Visitation" business to help all of you parents out there who have run out of ideas for the kids.

For the low introductory rate of $10 per child, your precious tots can play with our kitten for up to 7 minutes.

Your seven minutes can be split into two sessions of 3.5 minutes each for an additional $5 to cover the cost of bookkeeping.

Anything over 7 minutes and the cost goes up exponentially for some reason.

Rules, Regulations and Disclaimers:

1. Do not look kitten in the eye
2. Do not spit on kitten
3. Do not turn your back on the kitten
4. Do not pull kittens tail without a good reason. "Because it was there" is not a good reason.
5. Do not light kitten on fire.
6. Do not pull kitten in half.
7. Exposure to kitten can cause itching and burning
8. Kitten has claws and knows how to use them.
9. Any dust and/or odors in the house were not there beforehand and were obviously brought in by this kitten.
10. The kitten may actually be the devil, so watch out.
11. The kitten is cute and your child will want one. Ours could be for sale.
12. The kitten loves Taco Bell, but will not eat it in front of you. You can leave it and I'll be sure that he gets to it. He would love Mountain Dew as his drink.

The kitten's name was "Ace" when we got it from the shelter, but I'm not a big fan of one syllable names for animals. It reminds me of Cher.

So we changed it to "Conway". Then in the morning, once the coffee kicked in, I proclaimed him to now be "Conway Kitty", after the deceased semi-famous country singer, Conway Twitty.

So it's Conway, Conway Kitty, CK or Connie. Any of those will be fine.

Anyway, we got a kitten who is very cute. No charge to look at it or touch it. Hurry before it turns into a plain old cat.

Michael Phelps is an egomaniac

I once won 37 gold medals at the Olympics. You know why nobody knows?

I didn't make that big of a deal about it.

Little Yippee dogs.

I hate them. Yip, Yip, Yip. Bark, bark, bark. Piss, piss, piss.

What are they good for?

My friend has one dog that barks constantly. The other one stands on his hind legs and scratches your leg until it's raw.

If I ever have a pile of stuff that needs to be scratched and barked at, I'll bring it over. Until then, I have no use for those dogs, except for comic material and punting practice.

Why Bother?

Seven Layer Dips?

Seven Layers?

Call me when you get to 10 layers.

I don't get out of bed for less than 8.

My crazy week of March 10th-16th

What a week.

Sunday night, I must have had 2 packages of popcorn by myself during the Simpsons. I know! I couldn't believe it either.

Monday-Thursday- TV and self loathing. Some very bad guitar playing each night. I figure in 3 years, I'll be able to actually tune my guitar by ear. Is that even possible? I doubt it. Rich says he knows how, but how do we know? He could be saying it's tuned and we have to believe him.

Friday- Went to see 10,000 BC with Audra. If you've seen the trailer, I can tell you that this movie isn't even close to what you expect it to be. It turned out to be a love story! My god! They showed the sabre tooth tiger a lot in the preview, but that was about all for him. He was on screen for about 30 seconds and you could tell his heart wasn't into it at all. Talk about phoning in a performance.

Worst of all...Dinosaur count = 0.

I don't know if dinosaurs were around in 10,000 BC, and maybe they wanted to be historically accurate, but I'm also pretty sure that woolly mammoths and horses with finely crafted leather saddles didn't co-exist either.

Also, no lezzie scenes.

Saturday- Work and then Karaoke at Fantasy Island Restaurant in Salem. Perhaps the tackiest Chinese Restaurant around, even by Chinese Restaurant standards. If you like karaoke, you don't have a lot of options since they only have it Thursday-Sunday. Other than that, you're out of luck. Audra's sister met a boy there. I drank beer.

Sunday- Hangover and lots of good intentions that failed miserably. Learned how to play guitar while laying down with a comforter on me. I tried to build a display case for our non-existent Makusue apparel but then lost interest when lunch time came around and Taco Bell caught my eye.

Taco Bell is like a big giant shiny object buried in the sand to me. I might be completely enthralled by something and be devoting my full attention to it but all of a sudden I see the Taco Bell sign and drop everything and magically start heading towards it as if I'm in a trance.

Did you know that the spicy food helps hangovers? I heard it once from a friend of mine who isn't actually a doctor, but he does play one at parties.