The Fine Art of Self Promotion

Is there a way that I could make money as a self-promoter?
Or am I, by default, limited to one client...me?

Pepsi...Helping a nation with their math.

It looks like Pepsi is now more than just a delicious breakfast drink or something I use to add a bit of color to my rum.
It seems to be moving into the education field. I was shopping today and walked by the pile of Pepsi 36 packs when I noticed something.

It said "36 pack- 50% more than a 24-pack".

Keep in mind that it didn't say "36 for the price of 24" or "50% more FREE"

It was simply stating the fact that 36 is exactly 50% more than 24.
Who knows why. Maybe to give you something to talk to your dentist about when he's pulling all of your rotted teeth
Or... maybe those go to some of the school districts with funding problems.
I'll bet they fill their vending machines and then send the boxes off to the math teachers.

If you're one of those people that has a wireless phone headset in their ear all the time, I'm afraid that I have some bad news...You look ridiculous.
Unless you're a very powerful stock broker person or simply fell on a headset and it got lodged in your ear so deeply that removing it would result in your instant death, you don't get enough phone calls to require you to have it there constantly.
I'm sorry, but take it off.

I can't believe I've let this go on.

So, I design kitchens for a living, right? In doing this, we work with a lot of kitchen islands and peninsulas that people will eventually sit at. This has caused a situation that I can no longer ignore.

When figuring a countertop overhang for people to sit at, we generally like to have 12" of legroom. However, space constraints sometimes require that we shrink that space a bit.

So I'll tell my customers, mostly women, that while 12" is ideal, we can do 10" or even 8". That's when it happens.

"Show me what 10 inches looks like".

Sigh.

One of these days...

I have a really sensitive tooth. Not emotionally sensitive, like it cries when I don't pay enough attention to it, but more like I feel a great deal of pain when I drink cold drinks or even breath in cold air.

This is really curtailing my eating, especially since my favorite meal is ice cube salad with cold water dressing.
So, I tried some home remedies that I made up.

The first was to eat tons of ice cream so as to make me immune to the cold. As you can imagine, that didn't work.
The second, blowing compressed air onto it, just sent me into fits of rage. I didn't really do that, but I can imagine that it would hurt a great deal.

The third thing was to visit a dentist. What did he do? He blew compressed air onto it to be sure. I didn't really need that.

I'm having it repaired next week. Should be nice.

Ladies, if you go shopping for feminine products, I think its' best if you put them away the minute you get home

I came home from work once and my girlfriend at the time was cooking dinner and what did I see? A bottle of Summer's Eve feminine wash.

My first thought? "I'm not putting THAT on my salad!"

Right next to it was a 2-pack of douches. Now, I'm all for doing things as a couple, but I have to draw the line somewhere.

Click, click, pop ,whistle, whistle! Pop, pop, whistle, whistle, click!

Hahahhahahaha!!!!

Oh, wait...My keyboard was stuck on the Kalahari Bushman language. Crap!

Oh well, no time to retype it. It's to bad, too. It was a wicked funny joke.

Against all rational thinking and advice, I've adopted a couple of skunks. And get this...I didn't pay a cent for them. They've been living under my deck for awhile so I just made it official.

Now, I don't let them come inside at all, because that would be crazy. Even if they didn't mean to, I'm sure they'd spray accidentally. I know this because the same thing happens to me with flatulence.

So I keep them outside under the porch. They come out to play once in a while, usually when nobody is home and the yard light is off. I think they play a game called "Here Kitty Kitty, let's see who's the tough guy now!"

I'll catch them in my headlights when I return from wherever I was, which was probably some very important meeting with the head of something.

I'm usually greeted by a rear end with a tail in the air, which I assume is the skunk equivalent of "Hello, there! It sure is nice to see you!"

Tonight they were in the yard, so I went inside and yelled to Linda "Come out and see the skunks. They're asking about you!"

She said " Nooooooo!", which I assume is the Linda equivalent of "You're an idiot and I'm not bathing you in tomato juice when you get sprayed!"

So it's me, Linda and my pet skunks. They'll be pets right up until I get sprayed. After that, they'll be the "damn things what drank all that antifreeze that day".

I used to have fits of road rage a lot. But not any more.

How did I change? I'm glad you asked. I simply learned to accept certain things.

I learned to accept that I am obviously the best driver in the whole damn world. Why else would I get so mad at everyone else's stupid, friggin' driving. I mean, if I drove as bad as that f***ckin guy in front of me.."Hey, if you're gonna turn, take the motherf'n turn"...I probably wouldn't notice it.
You should try it. It's very liberating. Of course you'd be living a complete lie because nobody is a better driver than me. Just ask me.

Because I'm very frugal, I didn't want to spend a lot of money on a dehumidifier for my basement, but I had to do something about all of the moisture down there.
Sooo...since the commercials say that they're very absorbent, I opened up a bunch of Kotex pads and spread them around down there.
Not only will my basement be dry, but it should also end up smelling as fresh as the morning dew.

Six Flags New England, you are a liar! A liar! Or bad at math. But I'm guessing liar. And this time it isn't just a lunatic's rant, but a fact based tirade.

I passed a billboard today that said "Come to Six Flags! Now double the fun with 2 new rides!"

Now, I'm pretty good at math, but even if I wasn't, I'd be able to figure out that if you're doubling the fun with two new rides, then you'd only have had 2 rides to begin with, right?

And that does NOT make an amusement park. If it did, every parent who rents a pony and a jumpy-thing for their kids birthday could qualify for whatever tax advantages being an amusement park brings.

So, change the sign Six Flags. Technically, the amount of fun you're adding really depends on how many rides you have in the first place and is a percentage thereof.

Maybe you could change it to "Increase your fun by 1/32 with 2 new rides"... or something. Probably not as catchy, but at least it's honest.

Poor Samuel L. Jackson. I thought his career was going well for a while, but I guess not.
Looking back, I guess it wasn't really going well at all. Other than Pulp Fiction and Star Wars, it's been mediocrity right along.
I was singing his praise for his role in 'Driving Miss Daisy', but it turns out he wasn't in it. Apparently, that was Jessica Tandy.

His latest, called "Snakes on a Plane" has got me perplexed. Guess what it's about?

Here you go. It's about SNAKES!... SNAKES ON A PLANE!

I KNOW! Who would've guessed?

Since I'll never see this movie, I'll have to extrapolate the plot from the trailers I've seen.

Sammy appears to be some kind of agent. Probably a secret one and he's probably doing one of the following:

• Protecting a witness to something, maybe a jaywalking violation
• Transporting a prisoner. A lone agent transporting a dangerous criminal. I'm sure that actually happens a lot.
• Posing as an airline food critic to get a free ride.

This is where it gets interesting. Somehow, snakes end up on the plane (See title of movie). After that, you can imagine how innovative the plot gets.

They must have thought that the movie was SO good that it didn't need a catchy title. I'm going to bet that they were wrong.

Some ideas that didn't make it past the intensive title screening process:
"Boa, Boa, Boeing?
"Andy and the Airborne Anacondas!"
" Coffee, Tea, or...Oh My God! Snakes On a Plane!"

Like all great movies, this one will probably spawn a few catch phrases. Here are some I'd like to see.

Hero opens the plane door and snakes get sucked out the opening. Hero looks at sexy flight attendant. "See...I told you snakes can't fly".

Better yet, he opens the cockpit door and sees a snake on the pilot's lap. Naturally the pilot is dead. The hero looks at the Co-pilot and says "Wait a minute, Snakes can't fly".

That could be a little comic relief. As much comic relief as you can get on a stupid snakes-on-a-plane movie, anyway.

I saw a sign at the Red Cross for CPR and choking lessons, so I'm going to do it. Why? I just think it would be nice to be able to save someone's life if the situation arises. That and I think I'll probably want to choke someone eventually so it would be nice to know how to do it correctly.

Since I've killed everything I've ever planted in my front yard, I've come up with a new plan.

It involves reverse psychology. I'm planting some new plants and I'm going to treat them like weeds. It seems cruel, but what do I have to lose? Plants? I mean, it seems to work perfectly well on children.

I'll just walk around the yard, mumbling things like "Boy, I sure do hope that those things don't grow. That would ruin everything! They're probably too dumb to grow anyway. Yep, you stupid plants can't even grow right. Probably don't even know what photosynthesis is."

By then I'm sure I wont be able to hold it in, so I'll just run away to start giggling, maybe hide behind a tree, reveling in my superior intellect over the plant world.

So, to review my plan of berating the plants to get them to grow.

Juvenile? Yes.
Will it work? Probably not.
Will that stop me from doing it? Definitely not.

When I was younger, I thought the Dukes of Hazzard was an awesome show. And it was, I think. It taught me that when I jump my car over a ramp and the front end bends like a pretzel, that I should just keep driving and it will fix itself.

There are also several reasons why I want to live in Hazzard County

• Every bush or shrub has a ramp next to it.
• If you commit a crime and the cops are chasing you, all you have to do is lose them and you're off the hook. If I was the cops, I would have just gone to the Duke's farm and waited for them to come back. I never got why they didn't do that. Probably not as exciting.

I said several, but I keep forgetting them. I'll add some more when I go out drinking next.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED WHILE BEING IN A SKI CLUB

1. The human body is indeed a beautiful thing. Unless it’s 20 lbs overweight and stuffed into a Spandex Spyder suit on race day.
2. The human body can also be a very noisy and smelly place. That body inevitably belongs to your roommate.
3. Wait long enough and you’ll eventually see every member naked….unfortunately.
4. Girls. Fun. Drunk girls. Even more fun. VERY drunk girls. Not fun. Especially when they yell at you because you don’t understand SLUR.
5. Guests don’t understand the phrase ‘Pace Yourself’. See #4
6. Skiing/Snowboarding is the perfect cure for a hangover. If only the lifts would open at noon.
7. The ride up is definitely more enjoyable than the ride back.
8. Sleep is for the weak…or the very drunk.
9. Rules are meant to be broken, especially the one where you can’t mess with someone if they’ve made it to their room.
10. My definition of quiet and someone else's definition are actually quite different.
11. Never pay full price for your equipment or lift tickets.
12. ULLR is the Norse god of winter or snow and ODIN is the god of summer. Not many people know that. And except for a few days in November, nobody really cares.
13. Earplugs can be your best friend. So can a lock on your door.
14. Whipped cream is a delicious dessert topping….and a key ingredient in most pranks and sexual activities. You should, however, get a separate can for each and make sure they’re clearly marked.
15. If you haven’t done the ‘walk of shame’ at least once, then you need to rethink your game plan.

Hey! If TOUCHE' is pronounced Too-Shay, then why isn't DOUCHE pronounced the same way? Think about it. You use it more in everyday conversation and sound classy and worldly.

"Excuse me for a moment. I'll be right back. I'm going to have myself a Douche'..."

It's funny how we set limits for ourselves and what we consider to be over the top. For me, a Burger King DOUBLE Whopper is perfectly fine, while a TRIPLE one just seems wrong and un-natural.

I love cooking whole chickens.
Not the living, clucking kind, but the pre-killed de-headed kind.
It's probably the only time you can rub spices into the breast of something that's been long dead without the risk of being pointed at or locked up.

I've been noticing that there is a very common thread with movies today. There always seems to be the "Final Battle Between Good and Evil!".

It's probably in the moviegoer's best interest, I guess. I don't think I'd enjoy a movie where Good and Evil are having tea and rubbing each other's feet.

It's amazing what people will do to be on TV.

I was watching a show on the Discovery Channel about people who are in the witness protection program.
Now, it seems to me that if I was in the 'Program' (That's what those of us in the know call it), I'd do my very, very best to keep it a secret. Chances are that I'm not in this program for doing something very nice to some even nicer people.

Here are some other shows I'll expect to see shortly

• Serial killers who got away with it. See where they are now.
• My house, My Methadone Lab
• Cheating the IRS is easier than you think. Look how it's done

Did you know that if you cover a pot of water, it will boil faster?

I know what you're thinking... Witchcraft!

That's exactly what I thought, but apparently it's got something to do with a thing called "Science"

I wanted to see if one of the area sporting goods store had a particular item, so I went to check their website. That's when things went awry.....

How? Well, let's just say, the website address for Dick's Sporting Goods is NOT www.DICKS.com! If you don't believe me, Click on it.

You know how I love puppies, but have no use for them when they become adult dogs?

Well, chances are that I'm not the only one, so I've come up with a new enterprise that will surely bring me a bonanza AND keep everyone in puppy-dom.
Puppy Leasing!!!

That's right, I said Puppy Leasing. I can charge a monthly fee, maybe $29, and provide people with a puppy.
When the puppy is grown, we take it and provide a replacement. It can be the same type or you can try a new breed. It'll be great.

Of course, I'll have a whole crap-load of adult dogs to deal with, so I'll probably just end up killing the damn things. It's pretty obvious that nobody wants them anyway. Otherwise I wouldn't have a thriving business on my hands.

But, as usual, I'll take a lot of shit for this idea.

"I don't think people will like this"
"That's disgusting"
"Where are your pants?"

Fine! I'll only charge $19 a month.

Things are looking promising for me, lawn-wise. Today I had to cut BOTH blades of grass!

Hold on everybody! Time for a new segment on Random Thoughts!!!

"Old-time sayings closely examined"

This segment was going to be called, "English Idioms Rebuked", but to be honest, I had to look up both Idiom and Rebuke to make sure it made sense. Just to be thorough, I looked up English as well.

I was correct but since there are few people with my grammatical prowess, I had to dumb it down a bit. Otherwise people would get angry and not read.

"Stupid Mike on his high horse; English Idiots Re-puking? What the hell is he talking about?" So there you have it. On with the show.

• A Penny saved is a Penny earned- Not at today's interest rates. That would be 100% return on investment. My bank barely gives me 3% on a CD. Why? Because if they gave me a penny for every penny I saved, they would be out of business, that's why.
• A Bird in the hand is worth two in the bush- I don't know why, but this saying makes me think of sex.
• Don't look a gift horse in the mouth-Did people actually give horses as gifts at some time? If I did get a horse and it was almost dead, I'd certainly look it in the mouth. It's the same as giving me moldy muffins or cake. Now I have to throw it out instead of the gift giver. Not so bad if its delicious pastry, but I don't know where to dispose of a horse. Keep it.
• Curiosity Killed the Cat- Not my cat. She was definitely curious to see what was outside, so curiosity may have helped in my cat's death, but it didn't actually kill her. I'm pretty sure it was the right front tire of the car that finally did her in. Curiosity was simply an accessory.
• Go to Hell in a hand-basket- ??????????
• Let sleeping dogs lie-I guess the thing here is that if you wake up a dog and he starts talking at all, you should be pretty amazed. If he's lying, get over it. He's probably still groggy. I would just call Fox News and get someone with a camera over there as fast as you can.
• The apple doesn't fall far from the tree- Probably very true. Unless it's during a hurricane.

I got an invitation for a friend's graduation party today.
It said "Regrets Only"
"OK" , I thought. So I responded thusly,

Dear Meredith,
I regret:

• Not buying Wal-mart or Microsoft stocks way back when
• Not acquiring more property ten years ago.
• Letting my cat out that time. She got hit by a car.
• Turning down a chance to get in on the ground floor of a coffee shop. What the hell is a Starbuck anyway? Wasn't he on Battlestar Galactica?
• Plastics. That's all I'm going to say.

I'm still going to the party, but I don't know what she needs my regrets for. Does the person with the most win a prize. Let's hope so. Maybe that person gets more booze.

I guess the Vatican is having a hard time finding a replacement Pope. I was on Monster.com today and found this.
I can pretty much assume that there will now be a place in hell reserved for me.
Check it out.

I had a great idea today. I could buy a 900 number and kill two birds with one stone. I could combine a weather info line and a phone sex line. Think about it...

Phone sex/weather lady: Thank you for calling. What's your name?
Anonymous caller: Mike... I mean Paul.
Phone sex/weather lady: Well Paul, what are you wearing?
Paul: Just my underwear. And I'm touching myself.
Phone sex/weather lady: Well, Paul, you better put on a parka, because it's going to be cold and windy in Haverhill for the next few days.

I'm pretty sure I hit pay dirt with this one.

Well, kids, I just returned from a splendid snowboarding trip to Canada and I bring some disturbing news. The Canadians look exactly like us.
They look so much like us that there could be Canadians in our country as we speak, living among us, plotting.
Plotting what, I'm not sure but brrrrr....The thought of it sends chills down my spine.

Canada: Pros and Cons
Pros:

• Free healthcare
• Free luggage carts at the airport

Cons:

• Too many Canadians
• Expensive beer. $47 for a 30 pack. I almost thought about not drinking any. Almost.
• That weird lady at the gift shop. You know, the one whose left eye would slowly open and close while she spoke. Quite odd, don't you think?

My friend Lisa had a fundraiser for the victims of the Tsunami this weekend. The fundraiser was this weekend, not the Tsunami.
I find that the only proper way to show that you care is took get real drunk and give prizes to people who are equally drunk. It certainly beats flying to Asia to pick up the pieces, I can tell you that.
At any rate, I saw the epitome of irony. You know what that is? Irony is when the person who wins the teeth whitening prize (value $300) is the seventy year old lady with dentures and the person who wins the gift certificate for the hair salon shaves his head.
I wonder if the dentist offers drop off service for her teeth. That would be convenient.

I entered a snowboard race this weekend and came in fourth. I think I should have won and was pretty upset for awhile until I figured out what happened.
Those other guys were probably much, much faster than me. It's the same reason I didn't make it my attempt to play pro baseball. I failed my tryout because I don't throw, catch or hit very well.

When I want to be alone for awhile, I'll send my girlfriend out shopping. To make sure she's gone awhile, I'll demand that she not return until she has everything on the list.
I'll make up items she'll surely not find. Like my dignity. Or a passenger side rearview mirror for a car that never actually existed.

I'm trying to come up with ideas for my own business and it's been pretty difficult. I can't seem to nail it down, but I've come up with a few ideas, although I haven't really figured out how to get paid. Here are a few:

• Computer Solitaire Stand-in- I'll play solitaire for you. This will allow you to get your work done and since I play non-stop, I'll keep your win/loss ratio respectable.
• Lackey-About to get in trouble for something? I'll take the blame. Fee can be adjusted to suit the situation. Got caught leaving a strip joint? Blame me. Naturally, anything that I would face jail time for is unacceptable. For now.
• Fast Food Taster-Actually my friend does this on an unofficial basis right now, so I'll sub-contract him. Essentially, this service entails him trying whatever new fast food offering emerges and advising you on it, thereby saving you lots of time and calories.
• List compiler-Need a list? I'll make one. Whatever it is.
• Designated Driver- Limited Availability. Monday-Wednesday and maybe an occasional Thursday.
• Pet Grim Reaper- Got a family dog that's old and sick? Does he need to be put down? Or are you just regretting that promise you made to buy Timmy a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig if he ate his vegetables? I'll do what needs to be done. A couple of options are available. I can simply take the animal to the vet to be euthanized or I can stage an elaborate "car accident" to completely alleviate you of any blame and guilt.

You know what really irritates me? The way the people in supermarkets meander about. Dilly dallying as if I'm NOT in a hurry.
It's rude and it's selfish and I'm tired of it.
Like the old lady in front of me in the deli. Listen lady, the deli guy has no idea how much 3 1/2 slices of domestic ham is. A few aisles later, I had to tow one of those cool battery powered carts to the front. There had been an accident. Luckily, no one was injured, but someone had fled the scene. There's an APB out for a Blue haired woman about 3' 6" tall and shrinking.

Not that we need it, but I'm thinking of writing a guide for men. I've been tossing around an outline of chapters and subjects.

Food

• Cool Whip as a Meal
• Milk! Breaking the expiration date barrier.
• Can Chef Boyardee cause sterility? A risk I’m willing to take.
• What is that white stuff?
• Beer space in the fridge. Is there an acceptable balance?

House Related

• Cleaning your house vs. buying a new one…a cost analysis.
• Should your girlfriend have a key? Probably not. Here’s why…
• The Swifter is my new friend.
• Odors. How to eliminate them and when to ignore them.
• Your toilet seat and you. Up, down? Who cares? Either way, you’re peeing.
  

Laundry

• Wearing the same pants. How many days in a row is too many?
• Socks and why they need not match.
• Tighty whiteys vs. boxers. A long-term road test.
• The myth that is clean underwear.

Women

• Will she check your email if left alone? Why chance it. How to set a password.
• She doesn't understand your porn collection. Women for some reason do not understand our need to look at porn. They think it’s much more deeply rooted than it is. Ladies, simply put, it’s pictures of people having sex. Enough said.
• Leaving incriminating things around as a joke for her to find. Why doesn't SHE think it's funny?
• Your caller ID WILL get you in trouble. Clear it immediately.

Pets…What’s cool and what’s not.

• To me, cat’s are cool. To others, cats belong with old ladies. Dogs are more complicated, however. Should you get a big German Shepherd or a Pit Bull? Some would say you’re compensating for something. However, if you get a toy poodle or a Shi-Tzu to prove that you’re secure in your manhood, you’re opening yourself up to a lot of laughing and finger pointing. Don’t even think about gerbils. Ask Richard Gere. Go get a fish tank.

I have found that when I have a stack of Table Talk pies staring me in the face that I have a dilemma.
I don't want to start scarfing them down because that would make me a pig.
Yes, eating pie just for the sake of eating pie makes you a pig. Pie was meant to be eaten as a dessert.
Therefore, I've been making up meals to eat prior to devouring another pie. There's breakfast, post-breakfast, warm-up lunch, real lunch, and cool-down lunch. Then we move onto interim meal, insert-name-here meal, faux dinner, quausi-dinner, prelude to dinner, dinner-dinner, epilogue to dinner, dinner wrap-up and then finally one more pre-bedtime pie, I mean, meal.

You know how they say never go food shopping while hungry? It's good advice and I ignored it. And now I know why you shouldn't. Here, my friends, is a warning to you.

I find it disturbing that even though I have two young nieces and a nephew, I've never been asked to baby-sit any of them.

I assume it's because I'm a single guy, but to be honest with you, I don't think it would be very difficult.

None of my siblings had any idea how to raise a child until they had one either and I'm convinced that they still don't.

Sure, I'll have to baby proof my place a little bit, but I'm willing. I'll probably have to shut down the flame-thrower obstacle course and the showering fountain o' glass, but that's no problem.

I've got plenty of games and activities planned, too. Games like "Mystery Knife", "What's in THIS Bottle?" and "Fork in the toaster".

Hey Gang, I learned something last night that I thought I'd pass on to you all.
In case you're wondering; rope CANNOT be cut with a power saw.
I know! I was just as shocked as you are. At first I was scared. Scared in the way that you get when you're looking at your hand to make sure all of your fingers are there. THEN I was shocked.
And as I stared at the saw I thought, " You know, in theory that should have worked."
Then I used the knife in my pocket, but only because I don't have a hatchet and my chainsaw was outside.

I've been designing some business cards and brochures for my ski club and have about had it.
I can't proof read another page and I am really sick of picking colors. I don't know how God did it.
If I was God, I can tell you that about nine things would have had different colors.
After that, Enough! It's all gray! Everything! Maybe I'd go back and change things when I woke up, but I doubt it. Color blind people wouldn't appreciate it anyway.

Have you ever read any of the personal ads online?
I read one the other night and under hobbies/activities, some chick wrote...skiing, reading, and people watching. Excuse me, but people watching is not an activity anymore than blinking is. Otherwise, you could put anything down and it makes you sound busy and interesting.
"Well, I really like to breathe. That's incredibly rewarding. Staring into a corner? I can do that for hours. But when I have lots of time to myself, I like to grow my toenails."

So I'm leaving Target the other day when two kids approach me. "Can you buy us a game, sir?" I wasn't sure who this "SIR" was but since there was no one else around, I figured they were talking to me."What?" I asked. "They say we need to be 18 to buy the game we want because it has blood and violence in it."
"Well, there's a reason for that guys. Sorry, I can't buy the game for you. I'm going over to the liquor store though. Do you need any beer or cigarettes?"
Sometimes the good in me just HAS to come out.

Nothing makes me feel more productive than when I get to the end of a 60 roll package of toilet paper.

If you really think about it, the vampire community is like the biggest pyramid scheme ever.
I bite you, you bite two friends, they bite two friends and so on. Except that you don't get anything out of it, except enemies. Just like Amway.

So I was at my parents camp on Saturday. Linda is in Nashville for a conference.
I tried to call her earlier in the day, but couldn't reach her. So, naturally, I called at midnight.
I didn't remember at all and she figured that out during the course of our conversation the next day. "Do you remember talking to me last night?" she asked.
That was followed by ten seconds of silence. "No... maybe...kinda" said I. Then there was a laughing sigh. "Don't judge me!" I yelled.
Obviously she hasn't been camping or she would realize that there is NO way to stay sober when all you have to do to occupy your time is to play horseshoes.
And what am I going to do during that? Not drink? I don't think so.

A dumb thing to say to a cop- "Excuse me officer, but do you know where I can get a few drinks before I drive home?"

The envelope said, "This is your last issue" Yea right. They've been saying this for 3 years. I used to get this magazine called "Family Handyman". I'm pretty sure I got it really cheap, like five bucks for the year. Good thing too, because I didn't like it very much. It was very condescending. Anyway, after it ran out, I never renewed it. I kept getting the magazine, but never sent a check. I still get a copy every month. In fact, I just got one today. I wish they sold cars.

If you ask anyone who the funniest person they know is, I bet my name comes up a lot. If not, let me know. I have a contract with those people.

When I was a kid, I had an uncle named Hokey. I used to hear people say , "Yep, Hokey sure likes his beer". Damn right he did. He liked it with breakfast, he liked it with lunch and he liked it with dinner.
Nowadays, people who like their beer that much have to go to meetings and apologize to everyone they've ever met.