How could this happen in a place like that?

2 Shot in Tab Spat at Hooters in Tenn.


KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — A customer who was upset over his tab fired several shots into a Hooters restaurant, leaving a manager and another patron in critical condition Saturday, police said.
Police were searching for the man, who left on foot just after midnight, Lt. Kenny Miller said.
Managers asked the man to leave after he refused to pay his bill, according to Miller.

The man went outside and started firing shots from a .40-caliber handgun at the building, Miller said.
A customer leaving the restaurant and a manager inside were in critical condition Saturday at the University of Tennessee Medical Center.

No other details were immediately available.


How does something like that escalate at a Hooters? How can anyone get mad enough to shoot someone at a Hooters? How can anyone get mad at all at a Hooters?

When I'm at a Hooters, I'm all smiles, all the time. I'd probably be more likely to start shooting someone at Disneyland than Hooters.

How to avoid snowblower injuries

Well here I am, just finishing my first round of clearing snow from my driveway this year and I once again escaped without losing a hand or some fingers.

How did I do it?

Its pretty simple really. I'm surprised nobody has ever thought of it before.

You know how they say never stick your hand into a snowblower, ever?

Well....basically, I don't stick my hand in a snowblower...Ever!

It sounds as easy as it can be, but every year people do it for some reason and WHAM!..out comes a bloody stump and suddenly they can't turn a doorknob any more.

That's what broomsticks or other peoples hands are for!

These are probably the same people who stick fingers in boiling water to test it before dropping a lobster in.

Oh, What the ladies will say....

The other night, a gal who shall remain nameless, walked by myself and another gal, who shall also remain nameless.

The gal who was sitting with me said, and I quote " All I know is, if I had a penis, I certainly wouldn't stick it in that box"

The homeless have lots of time to get things done.

It seems to me that homeless people should have plenty of time to look for jobs, shop for clothes, or seek psychiatric help.
It's not like they've got to spend a tremendous time on house cleaning.

Think about it...

Does anyone really lose in a strip poker game?

I Love Blogs

I like to just scroll through the blogs to see what I find. I especially like the ones that are written in a different language, like Chinese or Japanese. I'll pretend that I can read it and play make believe.

Some days, I'll pretend its something really funny and laugh and laugh.

Other days, I'll pretend its the obituary of a close friend and cry. Not because I'm sad, but because maybe it's actually the obituary of an old friend and I'll never know because I'm too lazy to learn Japanese.

Once, I acted as if they were movie reviews of my favorite movies...and they were all bad reviews. I remember going on and on about how they missed the little nuances because of bad translation of the subtitles.

Other times, if I'm really in a mood, I'll act as if its the long lost Constitution of the City of Atlantis. Geez, what were those guys thinking? Cities don't float.

That's when it gets weird. Or it would if anyone was actually watching me.

Cats...Who needs 'em?

Did you ever have a cat that you knew was so high and mighty that he was barely tolerating you and the reason he didn't just leave was that he really didn't know anyone and besides that, what kind of landlord would rent his apartment to a cat anyway?

Did you ever figure that the only way to get back at him for his holier-than-thou attitude was to purposely run out of cat food and take three days to go buy some more?

And then, did you ever come home with the food, let him see it, and when he followed you, did you ever go to the toilet and pour the food right into it and say "If you want it so bad, go get it!"?

And when he reached for it, did you ever flush the toilet and secretly hope that he'd get caught up in the whirlpool?

Huh? Did you?

And later, when he got out of the house and got killed by a car while you were at Home Depot, did you all of a sudden feel like you were being kinda petty?

OFF! Spray

What the hell is going on here? I saw a can of Off! for Kids.
It's some kind of spray and on the can it says it protects kids from Incest.
Has it become that big of a problem that we need a spray to ward of these freaks?
We should probably just spray large areas at a time like we do with mosquitos and other insects....
Oh, wait.
Insects. I read it too fast. That makes much more sense.
Forget I said anything.

Evenings with friends

When you're in a relationship, its' always good to have some time apart. Whenever guys are with someone, they should always have nights with their friends and the girlfriends should have night with her. Problem is...some guys like to have nights with her girlfriends too. Then it gets sketchy

New TV show idea

Check this out! It just came to me. An idea for a new TV show. You know how there are all these myths out there that we all think are true or stuff we see on TV and wonder if it would really work?
What if we make a show where we de-bunk all of those myths? Think about it. It would be huge. We can get a few guys and set up the myths and see if they'll hold water.
I figure we can call it Myth-Debunkers. I bet Discovery Channel would love it.
Finally, an idea that will work.
I've invested my life savings into video and production equipment. And I'm moving to California so I can work year 'round.
Awesome. See you on the flip side.

Etiquette for men in a public bathroom.

Men, here's how to act in a public bathroom. In case you haven't figured it out, nobody wants to talk to you when they're taking a leak. I'll take you step by step to help you avoid being "That guy".

1. When entering a men's room, you can talk to your buddy right up until you get through the door. After that, all communication must come to an abrupt stop. End it...right then. DO NOT follow your friend to the urinal to finish the conversation. It's weird and the guy next at the urinal next to your friend won't like it. He and your friend will probably get stage fright.
2. When standing at the ready, you are allowed to unzip your fly and undo your belt and open the front of your pants. DO NOT drop your pants! The back of your pants should look like they're still zipped. Why? Nobody wants to see it.
3. Look down or up. That's it. Don't look side to side. With any luck, they'll have either a TV or a newpaper page. Don't read the other guys page. You'll be accused of being gay. Harsh, I know, but that's the way it is.
4. DO NOT speak to your neighbor, no matter if you know him or not.
5. Please don't overshake. It makes us uncomforable. Above all, don't lean or step back to shake. Incidental eye contact down there has caused a lot of trauma in the past.
6. Make your way to the sink. Only then can conversation begin again. You've reached the safe zone. Enjoy it. Revel in it.

Following these simples steps can help you avoid unwanted ass-kickings.

"How to attract women with low values"

Sometimes when I'm out on the town, I pretend to have a unique, sometimes ridiculous job.

I'll be chatting up some chick, being incredibly charming as usual, and they'll ask what I do for a living.

"I'm a Pornographer", I'll say, while batting my eyelids.

Then they'll say, "Did you say Pornographer?"

Me: "Did I"?

Hot Chick: "Yes, you said you were a pornographer"

Me: "That's weird, because I really meant to say pornographer"

It goes on for hours until she finally has had enough and sleeps with me.

Spanish is funny.

Did you know that the Spanish word for pool is PISCINA?
It's pronounced PISS-EENA.
I know! It's hysterical.

Stupid liquor laws

Have you ever had 2 half empty bottles of liquore and poured one bottle into the other, thus creating one full bottle or some other fraction of a bottle?

That's called marrying the liquor bottles and in Massachusetts bars, it's illegal for some reason.

Unless of course, those bottles are gay.

The Fine Art of Self Promotion

Is there a way that I could make money as a self-promoter?
Or am I, by default, limited to one client...me?

Pepsi...Helping a nation with their math.

It looks like Pepsi is now more than just a delicious breakfast drink or something I use to add a bit of color to my rum.
It seems to be moving into the education field. I was shopping today and walked by the pile of Pepsi 36 packs when I noticed something.

It said "36 pack- 50% more than a 24-pack".

Keep in mind that it didn't say "36 for the price of 24" or "50% more FREE"

It was simply stating the fact that 36 is exactly 50% more than 24.
Who knows why. Maybe to give you something to talk to your dentist about when he's pulling all of your rotted teeth
Or... maybe those go to some of the school districts with funding problems.
I'll bet they fill their vending machines and then send the boxes off to the math teachers.

If you're one of those people that has a wireless phone headset in their ear all the time, I'm afraid that I have some bad news...You look ridiculous.
Unless you're a very powerful stock broker person or simply fell on a headset and it got lodged in your ear so deeply that removing it would result in your instant death, you don't get enough phone calls to require you to have it there constantly.
I'm sorry, but take it off.

I can't believe I've let this go on.

So, I design kitchens for a living, right? In doing this, we work with a lot of kitchen islands and peninsulas that people will eventually sit at. This has caused a situation that I can no longer ignore.

When figuring a countertop overhang for people to sit at, we generally like to have 12" of legroom. However, space constraints sometimes require that we shrink that space a bit.

So I'll tell my customers, mostly women, that while 12" is ideal, we can do 10" or even 8". That's when it happens.

"Show me what 10 inches looks like".

Sigh.

One of these days...

I have a really sensitive tooth. Not emotionally sensitive, like it cries when I don't pay enough attention to it, but more like I feel a great deal of pain when I drink cold drinks or even breath in cold air.

This is really curtailing my eating, especially since my favorite meal is ice cube salad with cold water dressing.
So, I tried some home remedies that I made up.

The first was to eat tons of ice cream so as to make me immune to the cold. As you can imagine, that didn't work.
The second, blowing compressed air onto it, just sent me into fits of rage. I didn't really do that, but I can imagine that it would hurt a great deal.

The third thing was to visit a dentist. What did he do? He blew compressed air onto it to be sure. I didn't really need that.

I'm having it repaired next week. Should be nice.

Ladies, if you go shopping for feminine products, I think its' best if you put them away the minute you get home

I came home from work once and my girlfriend at the time was cooking dinner and what did I see? A bottle of Summer's Eve feminine wash.

My first thought? "I'm not putting THAT on my salad!"

Right next to it was a 2-pack of douches. Now, I'm all for doing things as a couple, but I have to draw the line somewhere.

Click, click, pop ,whistle, whistle! Pop, pop, whistle, whistle, click!

Hahahhahahaha!!!!

Oh, wait...My keyboard was stuck on the Kalahari Bushman language. Crap!

Oh well, no time to retype it. It's to bad, too. It was a wicked funny joke.

Against all rational thinking and advice, I've adopted a couple of skunks. And get this...I didn't pay a cent for them. They've been living under my deck for awhile so I just made it official.

Now, I don't let them come inside at all, because that would be crazy. Even if they didn't mean to, I'm sure they'd spray accidentally. I know this because the same thing happens to me with flatulence.

So I keep them outside under the porch. They come out to play once in a while, usually when nobody is home and the yard light is off. I think they play a game called "Here Kitty Kitty, let's see who's the tough guy now!"

I'll catch them in my headlights when I return from wherever I was, which was probably some very important meeting with the head of something.

I'm usually greeted by a rear end with a tail in the air, which I assume is the skunk equivalent of "Hello, there! It sure is nice to see you!"

Tonight they were in the yard, so I went inside and yelled to Linda "Come out and see the skunks. They're asking about you!"

She said " Nooooooo!", which I assume is the Linda equivalent of "You're an idiot and I'm not bathing you in tomato juice when you get sprayed!"

So it's me, Linda and my pet skunks. They'll be pets right up until I get sprayed. After that, they'll be the "damn things what drank all that antifreeze that day".

I used to have fits of road rage a lot. But not any more.

How did I change? I'm glad you asked. I simply learned to accept certain things.

I learned to accept that I am obviously the best driver in the whole damn world. Why else would I get so mad at everyone else's stupid, friggin' driving. I mean, if I drove as bad as that f***ckin guy in front of me.."Hey, if you're gonna turn, take the motherf'n turn"...I probably wouldn't notice it.
You should try it. It's very liberating. Of course you'd be living a complete lie because nobody is a better driver than me. Just ask me.

Because I'm very frugal, I didn't want to spend a lot of money on a dehumidifier for my basement, but I had to do something about all of the moisture down there.
Sooo...since the commercials say that they're very absorbent, I opened up a bunch of Kotex pads and spread them around down there.
Not only will my basement be dry, but it should also end up smelling as fresh as the morning dew.

Six Flags New England, you are a liar! A liar! Or bad at math. But I'm guessing liar. And this time it isn't just a lunatic's rant, but a fact based tirade.

I passed a billboard today that said "Come to Six Flags! Now double the fun with 2 new rides!"

Now, I'm pretty good at math, but even if I wasn't, I'd be able to figure out that if you're doubling the fun with two new rides, then you'd only have had 2 rides to begin with, right?

And that does NOT make an amusement park. If it did, every parent who rents a pony and a jumpy-thing for their kids birthday could qualify for whatever tax advantages being an amusement park brings.

So, change the sign Six Flags. Technically, the amount of fun you're adding really depends on how many rides you have in the first place and is a percentage thereof.

Maybe you could change it to "Increase your fun by 1/32 with 2 new rides"... or something. Probably not as catchy, but at least it's honest.

Poor Samuel L. Jackson. I thought his career was going well for a while, but I guess not.
Looking back, I guess it wasn't really going well at all. Other than Pulp Fiction and Star Wars, it's been mediocrity right along.
I was singing his praise for his role in 'Driving Miss Daisy', but it turns out he wasn't in it. Apparently, that was Jessica Tandy.

His latest, called "Snakes on a Plane" has got me perplexed. Guess what it's about?

Here you go. It's about SNAKES!... SNAKES ON A PLANE!

I KNOW! Who would've guessed?

Since I'll never see this movie, I'll have to extrapolate the plot from the trailers I've seen.

Sammy appears to be some kind of agent. Probably a secret one and he's probably doing one of the following:

• Protecting a witness to something, maybe a jaywalking violation
• Transporting a prisoner. A lone agent transporting a dangerous criminal. I'm sure that actually happens a lot.
• Posing as an airline food critic to get a free ride.

This is where it gets interesting. Somehow, snakes end up on the plane (See title of movie). After that, you can imagine how innovative the plot gets.

They must have thought that the movie was SO good that it didn't need a catchy title. I'm going to bet that they were wrong.

Some ideas that didn't make it past the intensive title screening process:
"Boa, Boa, Boeing?
"Andy and the Airborne Anacondas!"
" Coffee, Tea, or...Oh My God! Snakes On a Plane!"

Like all great movies, this one will probably spawn a few catch phrases. Here are some I'd like to see.

Hero opens the plane door and snakes get sucked out the opening. Hero looks at sexy flight attendant. "See...I told you snakes can't fly".

Better yet, he opens the cockpit door and sees a snake on the pilot's lap. Naturally the pilot is dead. The hero looks at the Co-pilot and says "Wait a minute, Snakes can't fly".

That could be a little comic relief. As much comic relief as you can get on a stupid snakes-on-a-plane movie, anyway.

I saw a sign at the Red Cross for CPR and choking lessons, so I'm going to do it. Why? I just think it would be nice to be able to save someone's life if the situation arises. That and I think I'll probably want to choke someone eventually so it would be nice to know how to do it correctly.

Since I've killed everything I've ever planted in my front yard, I've come up with a new plan.

It involves reverse psychology. I'm planting some new plants and I'm going to treat them like weeds. It seems cruel, but what do I have to lose? Plants? I mean, it seems to work perfectly well on children.

I'll just walk around the yard, mumbling things like "Boy, I sure do hope that those things don't grow. That would ruin everything! They're probably too dumb to grow anyway. Yep, you stupid plants can't even grow right. Probably don't even know what photosynthesis is."

By then I'm sure I wont be able to hold it in, so I'll just run away to start giggling, maybe hide behind a tree, reveling in my superior intellect over the plant world.

So, to review my plan of berating the plants to get them to grow.

Juvenile? Yes.
Will it work? Probably not.
Will that stop me from doing it? Definitely not.

When I was younger, I thought the Dukes of Hazzard was an awesome show. And it was, I think. It taught me that when I jump my car over a ramp and the front end bends like a pretzel, that I should just keep driving and it will fix itself.

There are also several reasons why I want to live in Hazzard County

• Every bush or shrub has a ramp next to it.
• If you commit a crime and the cops are chasing you, all you have to do is lose them and you're off the hook. If I was the cops, I would have just gone to the Duke's farm and waited for them to come back. I never got why they didn't do that. Probably not as exciting.

I said several, but I keep forgetting them. I'll add some more when I go out drinking next.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED WHILE BEING IN A SKI CLUB

1. The human body is indeed a beautiful thing. Unless it’s 20 lbs overweight and stuffed into a Spandex Spyder suit on race day.
2. The human body can also be a very noisy and smelly place. That body inevitably belongs to your roommate.
3. Wait long enough and you’ll eventually see every member naked….unfortunately.
4. Girls. Fun. Drunk girls. Even more fun. VERY drunk girls. Not fun. Especially when they yell at you because you don’t understand SLUR.
5. Guests don’t understand the phrase ‘Pace Yourself’. See #4
6. Skiing/Snowboarding is the perfect cure for a hangover. If only the lifts would open at noon.
7. The ride up is definitely more enjoyable than the ride back.
8. Sleep is for the weak…or the very drunk.
9. Rules are meant to be broken, especially the one where you can’t mess with someone if they’ve made it to their room.
10. My definition of quiet and someone else's definition are actually quite different.
11. Never pay full price for your equipment or lift tickets.
12. ULLR is the Norse god of winter or snow and ODIN is the god of summer. Not many people know that. And except for a few days in November, nobody really cares.
13. Earplugs can be your best friend. So can a lock on your door.
14. Whipped cream is a delicious dessert topping….and a key ingredient in most pranks and sexual activities. You should, however, get a separate can for each and make sure they’re clearly marked.
15. If you haven’t done the ‘walk of shame’ at least once, then you need to rethink your game plan.

Hey! If TOUCHE' is pronounced Too-Shay, then why isn't DOUCHE pronounced the same way? Think about it. You use it more in everyday conversation and sound classy and worldly.

"Excuse me for a moment. I'll be right back. I'm going to have myself a Douche'..."

It's funny how we set limits for ourselves and what we consider to be over the top. For me, a Burger King DOUBLE Whopper is perfectly fine, while a TRIPLE one just seems wrong and un-natural.

I love cooking whole chickens.
Not the living, clucking kind, but the pre-killed de-headed kind.
It's probably the only time you can rub spices into the breast of something that's been long dead without the risk of being pointed at or locked up.

I've been noticing that there is a very common thread with movies today. There always seems to be the "Final Battle Between Good and Evil!".

It's probably in the moviegoer's best interest, I guess. I don't think I'd enjoy a movie where Good and Evil are having tea and rubbing each other's feet.

It's amazing what people will do to be on TV.

I was watching a show on the Discovery Channel about people who are in the witness protection program.
Now, it seems to me that if I was in the 'Program' (That's what those of us in the know call it), I'd do my very, very best to keep it a secret. Chances are that I'm not in this program for doing something very nice to some even nicer people.

Here are some other shows I'll expect to see shortly

• Serial killers who got away with it. See where they are now.
• My house, My Methadone Lab
• Cheating the IRS is easier than you think. Look how it's done

Did you know that if you cover a pot of water, it will boil faster?

I know what you're thinking... Witchcraft!

That's exactly what I thought, but apparently it's got something to do with a thing called "Science"

I wanted to see if one of the area sporting goods store had a particular item, so I went to check their website. That's when things went awry.....

How? Well, let's just say, the website address for Dick's Sporting Goods is NOT www.DICKS.com! If you don't believe me, Click on it.

You know how I love puppies, but have no use for them when they become adult dogs?

Well, chances are that I'm not the only one, so I've come up with a new enterprise that will surely bring me a bonanza AND keep everyone in puppy-dom.
Puppy Leasing!!!

That's right, I said Puppy Leasing. I can charge a monthly fee, maybe $29, and provide people with a puppy.
When the puppy is grown, we take it and provide a replacement. It can be the same type or you can try a new breed. It'll be great.

Of course, I'll have a whole crap-load of adult dogs to deal with, so I'll probably just end up killing the damn things. It's pretty obvious that nobody wants them anyway. Otherwise I wouldn't have a thriving business on my hands.

But, as usual, I'll take a lot of shit for this idea.

"I don't think people will like this"
"That's disgusting"
"Where are your pants?"

Fine! I'll only charge $19 a month.

Things are looking promising for me, lawn-wise. Today I had to cut BOTH blades of grass!

Hold on everybody! Time for a new segment on Random Thoughts!!!

"Old-time sayings closely examined"

This segment was going to be called, "English Idioms Rebuked", but to be honest, I had to look up both Idiom and Rebuke to make sure it made sense. Just to be thorough, I looked up English as well.

I was correct but since there are few people with my grammatical prowess, I had to dumb it down a bit. Otherwise people would get angry and not read.

"Stupid Mike on his high horse; English Idiots Re-puking? What the hell is he talking about?" So there you have it. On with the show.

• A Penny saved is a Penny earned- Not at today's interest rates. That would be 100% return on investment. My bank barely gives me 3% on a CD. Why? Because if they gave me a penny for every penny I saved, they would be out of business, that's why.
• A Bird in the hand is worth two in the bush- I don't know why, but this saying makes me think of sex.
• Don't look a gift horse in the mouth-Did people actually give horses as gifts at some time? If I did get a horse and it was almost dead, I'd certainly look it in the mouth. It's the same as giving me moldy muffins or cake. Now I have to throw it out instead of the gift giver. Not so bad if its delicious pastry, but I don't know where to dispose of a horse. Keep it.
• Curiosity Killed the Cat- Not my cat. She was definitely curious to see what was outside, so curiosity may have helped in my cat's death, but it didn't actually kill her. I'm pretty sure it was the right front tire of the car that finally did her in. Curiosity was simply an accessory.
• Go to Hell in a hand-basket- ??????????
• Let sleeping dogs lie-I guess the thing here is that if you wake up a dog and he starts talking at all, you should be pretty amazed. If he's lying, get over it. He's probably still groggy. I would just call Fox News and get someone with a camera over there as fast as you can.
• The apple doesn't fall far from the tree- Probably very true. Unless it's during a hurricane.

I got an invitation for a friend's graduation party today.
It said "Regrets Only"
"OK" , I thought. So I responded thusly,

Dear Meredith,
I regret:

• Not buying Wal-mart or Microsoft stocks way back when
• Not acquiring more property ten years ago.
• Letting my cat out that time. She got hit by a car.
• Turning down a chance to get in on the ground floor of a coffee shop. What the hell is a Starbuck anyway? Wasn't he on Battlestar Galactica?
• Plastics. That's all I'm going to say.

I'm still going to the party, but I don't know what she needs my regrets for. Does the person with the most win a prize. Let's hope so. Maybe that person gets more booze.

I guess the Vatican is having a hard time finding a replacement Pope. I was on Monster.com today and found this.
I can pretty much assume that there will now be a place in hell reserved for me.
Check it out.

I had a great idea today. I could buy a 900 number and kill two birds with one stone. I could combine a weather info line and a phone sex line. Think about it...

Phone sex/weather lady: Thank you for calling. What's your name?
Anonymous caller: Mike... I mean Paul.
Phone sex/weather lady: Well Paul, what are you wearing?
Paul: Just my underwear. And I'm touching myself.
Phone sex/weather lady: Well, Paul, you better put on a parka, because it's going to be cold and windy in Haverhill for the next few days.

I'm pretty sure I hit pay dirt with this one.

Well, kids, I just returned from a splendid snowboarding trip to Canada and I bring some disturbing news. The Canadians look exactly like us.
They look so much like us that there could be Canadians in our country as we speak, living among us, plotting.
Plotting what, I'm not sure but brrrrr....The thought of it sends chills down my spine.

Canada: Pros and Cons
Pros:

• Free healthcare
• Free luggage carts at the airport

Cons:

• Too many Canadians
• Expensive beer. $47 for a 30 pack. I almost thought about not drinking any. Almost.
• That weird lady at the gift shop. You know, the one whose left eye would slowly open and close while she spoke. Quite odd, don't you think?

My friend Lisa had a fundraiser for the victims of the Tsunami this weekend. The fundraiser was this weekend, not the Tsunami.
I find that the only proper way to show that you care is took get real drunk and give prizes to people who are equally drunk. It certainly beats flying to Asia to pick up the pieces, I can tell you that.
At any rate, I saw the epitome of irony. You know what that is? Irony is when the person who wins the teeth whitening prize (value $300) is the seventy year old lady with dentures and the person who wins the gift certificate for the hair salon shaves his head.
I wonder if the dentist offers drop off service for her teeth. That would be convenient.

I entered a snowboard race this weekend and came in fourth. I think I should have won and was pretty upset for awhile until I figured out what happened.
Those other guys were probably much, much faster than me. It's the same reason I didn't make it my attempt to play pro baseball. I failed my tryout because I don't throw, catch or hit very well.

When I want to be alone for awhile, I'll send my girlfriend out shopping. To make sure she's gone awhile, I'll demand that she not return until she has everything on the list.
I'll make up items she'll surely not find. Like my dignity. Or a passenger side rearview mirror for a car that never actually existed.

I'm trying to come up with ideas for my own business and it's been pretty difficult. I can't seem to nail it down, but I've come up with a few ideas, although I haven't really figured out how to get paid. Here are a few:

• Computer Solitaire Stand-in- I'll play solitaire for you. This will allow you to get your work done and since I play non-stop, I'll keep your win/loss ratio respectable.
• Lackey-About to get in trouble for something? I'll take the blame. Fee can be adjusted to suit the situation. Got caught leaving a strip joint? Blame me. Naturally, anything that I would face jail time for is unacceptable. For now.
• Fast Food Taster-Actually my friend does this on an unofficial basis right now, so I'll sub-contract him. Essentially, this service entails him trying whatever new fast food offering emerges and advising you on it, thereby saving you lots of time and calories.
• List compiler-Need a list? I'll make one. Whatever it is.
• Designated Driver- Limited Availability. Monday-Wednesday and maybe an occasional Thursday.
• Pet Grim Reaper- Got a family dog that's old and sick? Does he need to be put down? Or are you just regretting that promise you made to buy Timmy a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig if he ate his vegetables? I'll do what needs to be done. A couple of options are available. I can simply take the animal to the vet to be euthanized or I can stage an elaborate "car accident" to completely alleviate you of any blame and guilt.

You know what really irritates me? The way the people in supermarkets meander about. Dilly dallying as if I'm NOT in a hurry.
It's rude and it's selfish and I'm tired of it.
Like the old lady in front of me in the deli. Listen lady, the deli guy has no idea how much 3 1/2 slices of domestic ham is. A few aisles later, I had to tow one of those cool battery powered carts to the front. There had been an accident. Luckily, no one was injured, but someone had fled the scene. There's an APB out for a Blue haired woman about 3' 6" tall and shrinking.

Not that we need it, but I'm thinking of writing a guide for men. I've been tossing around an outline of chapters and subjects.

Food

• Cool Whip as a Meal
• Milk! Breaking the expiration date barrier.
• Can Chef Boyardee cause sterility? A risk I’m willing to take.
• What is that white stuff?
• Beer space in the fridge. Is there an acceptable balance?

House Related

• Cleaning your house vs. buying a new one…a cost analysis.
• Should your girlfriend have a key? Probably not. Here’s why…
• The Swifter is my new friend.
• Odors. How to eliminate them and when to ignore them.
• Your toilet seat and you. Up, down? Who cares? Either way, you’re peeing.
  

Laundry

• Wearing the same pants. How many days in a row is too many?
• Socks and why they need not match.
• Tighty whiteys vs. boxers. A long-term road test.
• The myth that is clean underwear.

Women

• Will she check your email if left alone? Why chance it. How to set a password.
• She doesn't understand your porn collection. Women for some reason do not understand our need to look at porn. They think it’s much more deeply rooted than it is. Ladies, simply put, it’s pictures of people having sex. Enough said.
• Leaving incriminating things around as a joke for her to find. Why doesn't SHE think it's funny?
• Your caller ID WILL get you in trouble. Clear it immediately.

Pets…What’s cool and what’s not.

• To me, cat’s are cool. To others, cats belong with old ladies. Dogs are more complicated, however. Should you get a big German Shepherd or a Pit Bull? Some would say you’re compensating for something. However, if you get a toy poodle or a Shi-Tzu to prove that you’re secure in your manhood, you’re opening yourself up to a lot of laughing and finger pointing. Don’t even think about gerbils. Ask Richard Gere. Go get a fish tank.

I have found that when I have a stack of Table Talk pies staring me in the face that I have a dilemma.
I don't want to start scarfing them down because that would make me a pig.
Yes, eating pie just for the sake of eating pie makes you a pig. Pie was meant to be eaten as a dessert.
Therefore, I've been making up meals to eat prior to devouring another pie. There's breakfast, post-breakfast, warm-up lunch, real lunch, and cool-down lunch. Then we move onto interim meal, insert-name-here meal, faux dinner, quausi-dinner, prelude to dinner, dinner-dinner, epilogue to dinner, dinner wrap-up and then finally one more pre-bedtime pie, I mean, meal.

You know how they say never go food shopping while hungry? It's good advice and I ignored it. And now I know why you shouldn't. Here, my friends, is a warning to you.

I find it disturbing that even though I have two young nieces and a nephew, I've never been asked to baby-sit any of them.

I assume it's because I'm a single guy, but to be honest with you, I don't think it would be very difficult.

None of my siblings had any idea how to raise a child until they had one either and I'm convinced that they still don't.

Sure, I'll have to baby proof my place a little bit, but I'm willing. I'll probably have to shut down the flame-thrower obstacle course and the showering fountain o' glass, but that's no problem.

I've got plenty of games and activities planned, too. Games like "Mystery Knife", "What's in THIS Bottle?" and "Fork in the toaster".

Hey Gang, I learned something last night that I thought I'd pass on to you all.
In case you're wondering; rope CANNOT be cut with a power saw.
I know! I was just as shocked as you are. At first I was scared. Scared in the way that you get when you're looking at your hand to make sure all of your fingers are there. THEN I was shocked.
And as I stared at the saw I thought, " You know, in theory that should have worked."
Then I used the knife in my pocket, but only because I don't have a hatchet and my chainsaw was outside.

I've been designing some business cards and brochures for my ski club and have about had it.
I can't proof read another page and I am really sick of picking colors. I don't know how God did it.
If I was God, I can tell you that about nine things would have had different colors.
After that, Enough! It's all gray! Everything! Maybe I'd go back and change things when I woke up, but I doubt it. Color blind people wouldn't appreciate it anyway.

Have you ever read any of the personal ads online?
I read one the other night and under hobbies/activities, some chick wrote...skiing, reading, and people watching. Excuse me, but people watching is not an activity anymore than blinking is. Otherwise, you could put anything down and it makes you sound busy and interesting.
"Well, I really like to breathe. That's incredibly rewarding. Staring into a corner? I can do that for hours. But when I have lots of time to myself, I like to grow my toenails."

So I'm leaving Target the other day when two kids approach me. "Can you buy us a game, sir?" I wasn't sure who this "SIR" was but since there was no one else around, I figured they were talking to me."What?" I asked. "They say we need to be 18 to buy the game we want because it has blood and violence in it."
"Well, there's a reason for that guys. Sorry, I can't buy the game for you. I'm going over to the liquor store though. Do you need any beer or cigarettes?"
Sometimes the good in me just HAS to come out.

Nothing makes me feel more productive than when I get to the end of a 60 roll package of toilet paper.

If you really think about it, the vampire community is like the biggest pyramid scheme ever.
I bite you, you bite two friends, they bite two friends and so on. Except that you don't get anything out of it, except enemies. Just like Amway.

So I was at my parents camp on Saturday. Linda is in Nashville for a conference.
I tried to call her earlier in the day, but couldn't reach her. So, naturally, I called at midnight.
I didn't remember at all and she figured that out during the course of our conversation the next day. "Do you remember talking to me last night?" she asked.
That was followed by ten seconds of silence. "No... maybe...kinda" said I. Then there was a laughing sigh. "Don't judge me!" I yelled.
Obviously she hasn't been camping or she would realize that there is NO way to stay sober when all you have to do to occupy your time is to play horseshoes.
And what am I going to do during that? Not drink? I don't think so.

A dumb thing to say to a cop- "Excuse me officer, but do you know where I can get a few drinks before I drive home?"

The envelope said, "This is your last issue" Yea right. They've been saying this for 3 years. I used to get this magazine called "Family Handyman". I'm pretty sure I got it really cheap, like five bucks for the year. Good thing too, because I didn't like it very much. It was very condescending. Anyway, after it ran out, I never renewed it. I kept getting the magazine, but never sent a check. I still get a copy every month. In fact, I just got one today. I wish they sold cars.

If you ask anyone who the funniest person they know is, I bet my name comes up a lot. If not, let me know. I have a contract with those people.

When I was a kid, I had an uncle named Hokey. I used to hear people say , "Yep, Hokey sure likes his beer". Damn right he did. He liked it with breakfast, he liked it with lunch and he liked it with dinner.
Nowadays, people who like their beer that much have to go to meetings and apologize to everyone they've ever met.

I guess if I could change anything... it would have been the diaper on that friggin' kid from the subway today.

I wish the people that lived behind me would stop sitting out on their steps in the evening. It's inconsiderate things like that which force me to wear pants when I cook on the grill.

On a related note, did you know that when I built the addition on my house, I put the windows at waist height so that I could walk around in my underwear without putting the shades down? The devil is in the details.

Well, TV has taught me yet another life lesson. If you want to have a hot looking kid, just in-breed.
After watching Anna Nicole Smith Revealed, I believe that's exactly what happened. Her family is a bunch of toothless, rednecks with horrible grammar. They are either really skinny or really, really fat.
When I say toothless, I'm serious. I don't know where their teeth went, but they're not where they should be. There is a reason that she changed her name from Vicky something to Anna Nicole.

So let's recap. If you want a really beautiful daughter who will be a stripper, pose in Playboy, make a video of her playing with herself, marry an 80 year old billionaire who's on the brink of death, then get really, really fat and dumb after he dies, get a TV show which magnifies her immense girth and stupidity and THEN will get thin and hot again, but will stay dumb, I would suggest swimming in your own gene pool. It's weird and risky, but that's the price you pay for fame, I guess.

It doesn't take much to make me happy. Just ask my girlfriend. She found out that I love 3 Musketeers bars, so now she gets them for me every chance she gets.
It's nice, I guess, but I probably should have told her I like $100 bills.

Hey, have you heard of the new hangover cure? Its called Chaser and its supposed to let you drink without getting a hangover.
You take two tablets when you start drinking. That could be a problem, since I normally can't take any pills that early in the morning.

I'm not sure who is doing it, but you better knock it off!! If you're the person who's still watching those TV "Reality" shows, you really need to stop. If you keep watching them, they'll keep making them and I think the newest one, The Littlest Groom, has pushed me to my limits.

There are a few things I like about Christmas. Not many, maybe like three.
Obviously, number one is the goodwill we tend to have towards each other...Blah, Blah, Blah. What I really like are the commercials. Christmas and Valentines Day are the only time you'll hear ads on the radio for Elizabeth Grady Skin Care Salons.
I don't know why, but something about hearing "Treat your loved one to a facial today" over and over just makes me crack up. Maybe its just me.
If you want to call, their number is 1-800-FACIALS. Don't dial 1-900-FACIALS though. It will cost you $6.95 a minute.

You know what would look really weird? If you were to walk in on the invisible man having sex with his girlfriend who, just for the sake of the joke, isn't invisible.
Picture it. Go ahead, its funny.

I'm glad I'm not fat. And not because of the sweating and health problems, but because I wouldn't be able to type anymore.
The average keyboard is pretty biased towards the average person with an even-keeled weight. If I were over, say 300 lbs., I'm pretty sure my sausage-like fingers would be too large to hit the keys with any accuracy.
Any sporadic, ill-received funny thoughts would come out like adkfjad! Aglj;lakg, Jlkag;l kjh jh,;ka.jdflkjas!!!!! Who would laugh at that, even if it were remotely funny? Which it was, believe me.
I suppose I could use a pencil in each hand to peck at the keys, but the speed I've developed over the years would be reduced exponentially. Plus, it would undo everything I learned in typing class in High School and I don't want to disappoint Miss What'shername. She'd roll over in her grave, if she's even dead yet.
And you cant do the home row thing with two pencils. I suppose I could attach a pencil to every finger, ala Freddy Krueger, but it seems like way too much work, especially since I'm fat at this point. And what if I had to go answer the door.
What would you do if some guy answered the door with pencils taped to his finger? Run! That's what you'd do. Unless you needed something signed, in which case it would be pretty damned convenient, wouldn't it?
It probably wouldn't even come to that, because I'm pretty sure I would be very unable to open any door with hands like that. Unless it was a revolving door, but that's just crazy talk.
No, Its easier to lay off the donuts and Suzy Q's once in awhile.

Well, now gays can marry in Massachusetts.
Great news for them, but at first I thought they said that Gay marriages were required, which made me pay attention. "Great", I thought. "Now I have to find a gay to marry."
Luckily I listened a bit more and found that they were just merely allowed , not required.

Whew! How can we go a step further? People should be allowed to marry themselves.
I think Id make a good partner for myself. Think about it--I've known me forever, I'm my own best friend and I think I'm spectacular looking. Not to mention that the sex is top notch.

No need to worry about domestic violence, because even if I did get in a fight with Me, I certainly wouldn't hit Me.
Even if I did, I probably wouldn't press charges. Neither one of me wants to spend a night in jail.

Time for some toilet humor. I'm going to start taking sulfur pills. That way when I fart, it will smell like someone lit a match. Everyone loves that.

You know what I wish I had? Henchmen.
Does anyone know where to get some?

I'm not sure what Id use them for. At first, Id have them clean the leaves in my yard, then maybe hang around to keep the kids from walking on my lawn. The thing is, when you have henchmen, its usually because you're:

• A Mafia Don
• An evil scientist
• One of Batman's arch enemies.
• Bored, with a lot of big friends who are also bored.

So there is usually plenty of henchmen-type duties to go around. My Henchmen would probably get tired of guarding my mail and the 1967 Orange VW Bus in my yard and would probably start shooting things soon enough.

Maybe I can start by getting some evil minions. They seem to also do what ever you want, but they have their own homes and insurance.

Do you guys remember the really fat guy who tried to sue McDonalds because he said they were the cause of his obesity?
The courts threw out the case because McDonalds never claimed that the food was good for you and he just should know better.
Well, I bet that guy found all his court documents and is now erasing, with his very sausage like fingers, every reference to "McDonalds " and replacing it with "KFC".
Their new ads come dangerously close to claiming that the shit is actually good for you.
And if a dude would sue McDonalds because he blames them for making him fat, then there's a fair chance he's squeezed into a KFC once or twice.

I can understand that a woman gains a lot of weight when they're pregnant and it takes some time to get rid of it, and I sympathize with that.
But I have to tell you that I find it hard to take pity on a women who says "I put on all this weight when I was pregnant with the baby and I CANNOT lose it!" and her "baby" is next to her. Only he's 6'2" and he's wearing a UCLA sweatshirt.

Today the cable company changed the channel lineup.
How do I know? Comedy Central had become VH-1."Hmmm....How Odd.", I thought, figuring the Paula Abdul documentary HAD to be a Saturday Night Live skit.
When it failed to become even remotely funny, I changed the channel thinking,"SNL should get some new writers".
So I flipped to TBS, the Law & Order channel. There was one of those Trading Places shows on. "Well.....now THIS is unsettling."
On and On this went until I found myself curled up in a fetal position next to the couch, crying "Mommy, Mommy, why is the TV hurting me?"
That's when I found the new lineup card they had sent 2 months ago.

If you ever want to sell me something, all you have to do is erect a giant, yellow tent above it and put a "Tent Sale" sign out. I'm there, baby.
In my world, a Big yellow tent equals a good friggin' deal . Plus, there may be clowns and midgets.

You know what I love about the Internet? I mean, besides all the free pornography?
I love the way I can get any information I need. I mean any!
If I need to find out something about the way our government works, or some financial advice, or maybe find a way to help starving......you know what, come to think of it.... it's all the porn.

I have fought and fought it, but I cant believe how much I sound like my parents these days.
I was out with a friend the other night having a few drinks and we got up, ready to leave.
She still had half a glass of wine, and I found myself saying "You are NOT leaving this table until youfinish that, young lady!
Don't you know there are people in China who are sober?"

Mohammed Ali is always welcome at my house, but when he does get there, I think I'll tell him, in a friendly way, that there are some things I wont let him do during his stay:
1. Cut my hair
2. Perform a vasectomy on me.
3. Paint the trim in my house.
4. Shave me.....anywhere.
5. Bring me a very hot cup of coffee.

I just read a headline..."Concorde Lands after Final Flight".
That's a bit obvious isn't it? And not so dramatic either.
It seems to me that it should have been landing after every flight.
If not, I would like to have been there for the disembarking of the passengers.

They say "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade".
What a load of Crap!
If Life gives me lemons, I keep the lemons in the hot sun for about 3 weeks until they get really soft , rotten and smelly.
Then, when I see Life walking down the street, whistling a catchy tune......Wham!!!!
Right in the head! "There's your goddam lemonade, Life!" What a jerk that guy is.

For Christ sake, the grass I planted two weeks ago, which I have watered twice a day, is barely growing. But the 20 seeds left in the bag, under my deck and completely out of the sun, have grown into five pounds of grass. Have I stumbled onto some new way of grass farming?

Having just returned from the Registry of Motor Vehicles, I am very disturbed about a question I came upon while filling out the license renewal form.
It had all the basic questions...Name , address, favorite Brady kid.
Then I got to the one.....Check here if your sex has changed.......
Then it went on to say
Change sex to __ M __ F
WHAT?It happens often enough to include on a license form?
Just put it back to the old way, which I assume was leaning over the counter and saying " I used to be a dude, but now I'm a chick."

All I have to say is. .."God Bless You, Mountain Dew!". Without you, I'd have to face the horrors of my hangovers alone.
While not technically a cure, you provide a few minutes of accelerated heartbeat bliss, making me feel JUST a little less like throwing up.
So I raise a 20 oz. bottle to you, and to Pepsi, from which you sprang. Keep pumping it out, for I DO NOT want to stop drinking.

I was going to run in the Boston Marathon tomorrow. I was really pumped up, but then I found out that they expect you to run it all at once. Can that be done? TV sounds much better all of a sudden.

I just bought some tickets to a raffle to benefit PAWS, People for Animal Welfare Society. I bought them, but I have to say, I was a little miffed. Cats and dogs seem to have it pretty easy, considering. So why do they need to go on welfare? I work all day and these lazy bastards...or bitches... as it may be, lounge around right in front of me. Sometimes I have to step over them. You want something extra, get a job!

I am very protective of my body, especially my abdominal muscles. That's why, for many years now, I've kept them safe with a few inches of thick, cushiony fat. Can't be too careful. They may be needed to save the world someday.

Of all the things in the world that are hard to do, like getting to work on time, I think the hardest thing you will ever have to do it try to throw away a trash barrel. I've been trying to throw away an old one for months. The trash guys keep putting it back on the sidewalk. I wrote on the side of it "Trash", but I think they looked at it and said "No shit, what else would you put in here". So I left a note on it "This is Trash". I think I just pissed them off. They thought I was making fun of their job. They yelled at my house "We know its trash, we're garbage men. Let us have our dignity!" I might leave a letter saying "Please throw this away", but I'm afraid they'll light my house on fire.

The oldest man in America died today. He lived in Florida and was 113 years old. Apparently he was a very active old man. His hobbies included...Gasping for air, clutching his chest, and pushing the button on his Med-Alert bracelet. His last words were "Finally!"

I cannot believe what happened to me today. I went into a store today.
Well, actually that was the problem. In order to go in the store, I had to actually PUSH the door open!!!! With my arm! Can you believe it.
No Auto door.
Combine that with the fact that I'm convinced their UPC scanner is making me sterile, I've got a mind to cut my shopping there down to "Once in a while"

You know who probably isn't even aware of this "Orange Alert" that we're on?
Manic-Depressives, schizophrenics and shut-ins.
To them, its just another day sitting in the middle of a room wearing week-old underwear, drinking sour milk and yelling at the radiator " Answer that damn telephone!"

Over the past few weeks, two snowboarders have died while enjoying the sport they love. What their names were, I don't know and don't have the desire to find out. As a fellow snowboarder, these tragedies hit home. Especially when I realized......I JUST MOVED UP 2 PLACES!!!! For doing nothing except staying alive!!!! Ha! If I keep this up(staying undead, I mean). I'll be ranked #1 in no time. 2024 Olympics or Bust!

My parents just call me "Son" now.
Maybe they do it just so they remember my relationship to them, but I really think that they've forgotten my name.
Not once have I heard them call my sister "daughter". Not once.
Being called "son" is only one step up from them calling me "Chief" or "Pal".
Maybe its payback for calling them "Mom" and "Dad", but that's how I was taught.
By them, no less!

I know, I know. Women want foreplay.
"Why don't we kiss for awhile? Id like to be touched for awhile" That's the woman speaking. Not me.
Its not that we don't want to. We just don't operate that way. Its the way we do everything. When I go shopping, for instance. If I need pants....I go to the store.... I go right to the pants department. I get the pants. I go home.

Its not easy being me. I'm a very busy, very important man. People expect quite a bit from me. Sometimes too much. Some days, I have to remember to do up to 2 things!
I'm not Superman you know! So after I wash the dish and bring the mail to the kitchen table, I finally get some ME time.
Stress will get to me someday. Oh, How I dread it.

Whew! I just found out I had the Norwalk virus. Nausea, convulsive vomiting, fever...the works. And to think I've been blaming the poor, defenseless Tequila.

I’m not sure that all lesbians actually like women. I think its more that they hate men. They just don't have any other choices.

I find I really have no use for Tuesdays.
As far as days go, they serve no purpose. They haven't developed an identity like the other days.
Monday, while hated by the world, is the beginning of the week.
Wednesday is hump day.
Thursday, for the most part, signifies the beginning of the weekend.
Nope, Tuesday does nothing for me. It reminds me of cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch.
You tolerate him while he's there, maybe even pretend to like him.
But really, you just wish he'd leave.

Summers Eve feminine products are about as far from truth in advertising as you can get.

Summers Eve? Come on! Where are these people spending their summers?

I was watching Caddyshack 2 the other day. After wondering how that movie ever got made, let alone released, I thought of another sequel that I wouldlike to see.
Home Alone * (* equals whatever sequel # it is.)
Like theothers its set at Christmas.
This time however, Kevin is about 21.
He's notstuck at home, but rather at brothel in Vegas.
And he's alone, except for all the whores.

What's this I read about our money? Its going to be in color now? Great,there goes all the fun I have making fun of Canada's money. And the gentleribbing I give to Caribbean nations? I guess I can kiss all that goodbye.

I want to get on Jerry Springer!
Since I'm not a transvestite, don’t live in a trailer park, or a Grand Wizard for the KKK, I think the only way to get on is to get fat. Really fat.
Cant leave the bedroom fat.
Take down a wall to remove me from the house fat.
Once I'm on the show, I'm sure I'll be able to lose the weight quickly.
Or I could pretend I'm a teen gone wild and go to that boot camp they have. Whatever.

Another Halloween. Another night sitting in the dark because I forgot to get some candy.

"Are you throwing that out?"
That's what the guy in the Sanford & Son-like truck asked when he pulled up next to my weekly pile o' trash.
"Throwing what out?" I queried, looking back to see if I had mistakenly thrown out my cherry armoire.
"That old grill" said the old man.
"No" I began, leaning into the window. "This is how I appraise the value of my belongings. You see, I put them in front of my house and see how many folks come by to look at it."
Detecting my sarcasm, he started pulling away, muttering something about me being a mule or donkey. I waved and yelled "Bye, Bye, Fred. Say hi to Lamont and Aunt Esther!!"

I think the pet kingdom is upside down. Dogs should act like cats and vice-versa. They should be the ones who act all calm and collected. They, after all, are the only pet who can, or will, act as a theft deterrent. Cats, fish and hamsters aren't really a threat, are they? The dog should sit there and act like he could give a crap and say things like "I might be lazy right now, but I'll protect your ass when you sleep, so bring that food and water dish over here."

OK, I just called 1-800-FREELOVE. Guess what? Its not free. As a matter of fact, its quite expensive. There oughta be a law

As a former bartender, I took my fair share of ribbing from customers, so when I screw around with bartenders and waitresses, its ok.
I like to go in to a restaurant and say something like " Do you have Michelob?" "Yes, We do." "Good...Uhm, I'll have a Bud light." By me not smiling at all, it makes them feel as if they've missed something.
Or I'll ask if they know how to make a Rum and Coke.

Did you know today was "Appreciate your body" day. I made sure I appreciated my body three times. Just like any other day.

I was out to dinner the other night at a local Tex/Mex restaurant. They had a special going.
All you can eat BBQ Ribs. All I can eat!!! I got nice and full. So, I go back today to get some more and they tell me its only for the one visit! I thought it carried over.
Suddenly, not so great of a deal, huh?

I like to try new things, lots of new things.
So, to that end, I've decided to take up smoking.
I'm going to take it slow though. I've purchased some of that nicotine gum and later, I think I'll get on the patch. It wont be long before I'm up to a pack and a half a day.
My ultimate goal is to have a nasty hacking cough that seems to be missing from my day.
If it works, I'll package it into a system and sell it on late night TV.
Then I'll start working on a similar idea related to alcohol.
I'll be the Ron Popeil of bad habits.

Cartoons don't really portray real life at all, I've discovered.
I was watching an old one, Magilla Gorilla, and it occurred to me..How unrealistic is this.
Now, I don't go pet stores a lot, due to my ineptitude towards caring for anything that needs me to feed it, but I'm pretty sure that not one of them has, or ever will, stock a full grown gorilla. Let alone a talking one with a bowtie. And he's been there for as long as I can remember!!
That Mr. Peebles must be a very , very bad business man if he doesn't realize the value of that ape.

Hi, I'm a big fat load! I got this way by eating fast food all my life, so now I'm suing McDonalds. Are you kidding me? Fast food isn't good for you?
Wow, if I had known that I would have cut it down to twice a day.
The next thing you know, alcoholics will be suing Seagram's because there's not a warning label that reads " WARNING! Drinking our whiskey all day, everyday may be detrimental to your liver, life, job, family, etc".

Whenever I feel bad about myself, I take the train into North Station in Boston.
One look around at all those wackos make me feel like a million bucks.
Suddenly I feel rich AND sane!

If I ever get married, there is NO way I can bring my wife to Home Depot.
They'll think she's an idiot, since whenever I return something, I sigh and say " My wife bought the wrong thing again."
I'll save her the embarrassment and finger pointing.

Back when I was cool and rode a motorcycle, something used to annoy me.
Every time there was another bike coming the other way, the rider would wave.
I'd wave back...with my middle finger.
Why did they do that? Just because we both were on bikes?
When I'm walking down the street people don't wave and say "Hey, your wearing pants!.. I'm wearing pants!" Dumb.

Have you ever found yourself thinking that life has gotten a little stale?
When that happens, I like to do something wacky and dangerous.
Just last week, I made chocolate milk with almost TWICE the recommended dose of Hershey's syrup. Wow! Talk about feeling alive!
Next time, I think I'll tape a Sox game and disseminate portions of the broadcast without express written consent.

Now, I don't want to be judgmental, but why do the heavier women wear the stretchy black spandex pants.
Is it to fool us into thinking they're in shape.
Here's a little test. If you put them on and they become translucent from being stretched, go back to sweat pants and those nice, loonnng t-shirts I've heard so much about.

I just saw a commercial for Paxil. It the drug that helps social anxiety disorder or whatever it is that crazy people fake.

It sound like it works, except for the side effects... Sweating, flatulence, diarrhea, urinary disorders, confusion, and... Anxiety.

Just what the anxious person needs. More anxiety!

"Wow, what a great party....Oh, no did I just crap my pants? Maybe no one will notice. No, that was piss. I just pissed myself! Maybe I'm just sweating. I'll just leave quietly. Where's the door. Did I come in that way? FFFAAAARRRTTTT!!!! Oh God, Oh God.

No sirree, I would just stick with my one mania and stay in.

Lets face it. America has a weight problem.
We even have places to showcase that problem. We call them Water Parks.
So many lines, so many fat asses.

While out pursuing one of my lesser hobbies, novelty t-shirts, I came across one that would revolutionize my dating technique.
It was a simple shirt that read like this:
Female Body Inspector
Can you imagine the chicks I could pick up with this shirt?
Here's the way I assume the interaction would go. First, a distraught gal would come up to report some sort of crime. Naturally, she would think I was the fuzz due to the shirt.

When she got close enough to see the small type, she would laugh and laugh.
"My goodness", she would say, " Isn't that clever."
We chuckle a bit and then I'd take her to the real police. There was a crime after all.
Then perhaps we'd have a light lunch and a drink, followed by a blossoming relationship.
Wont that be dreamy?

What makes a Wednesday wacky?
Well, if you ask the local petroleum companies, its getting a whole nickel off of a gallon of super unleaded.
Well, Mr. Sunoco, that's not enough to impress me. Now, if a Koala Bear came out and pumped my tankful of discount gas...THAT would wackify my day!
Maybe TV is to blame for my high expectations.

Well, Labor Day is upon us once again. A nice long weekend for us all.Except for maternity nurses. Monday will be their busiest day of the year.Get it?!

HHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Damn, I'm funny

The online dating scene is a dark, frightening abyss. A friend of mine joined an online dating service. He contacted a few chicks, but one stuck out.
Her picture was spectacular, so he emailed her.
She replied with what I can only be describe as random, erratic thoughts.
She also included a link to her own "page".
That page, ladies and gentlemen, was a porn site. I hope they'll be happy together.
Maybe I can find one like her. Sigh.

If one more woman asks if I'll father a child, I'll snap.
Its not about all the sex I'd need to have. That sounds like something I could be pretty good at.
Its all the Fathers day cards I'd get. I just don't have the refrigerator magnet capacity.

What is with my total lack of respect for campground security? Even though we were about a half mile from anyone, we were kind of loud. I'm sure he didn't appreciate standing there for five minutes until someone acknowledged him. He's only trying to do his job and we really should respect his authority. Ha! I cant even write it without laughing. Screw you, old man. By the way, we weren't "way too drunk" as you suggested. No sir, not by a longshot.

Wouldn't if be great if priests had to be elected to their jobs. Imagine the campaign slogans and the resulting smear campaigns.
"Father Smith for Pastor. Far less rapes than the other guy."

Or " Father Smith. Not convicted Yet!"

Oh , yes, I can see it now

I got one of those Swifters the other day. You know the revolutionary cleaning rag.
Man, this thing is great. Now all I do is "swift" this baby around and it cleans the house.

If it doesn't pick something up, I don't worry. I just leave it.

I mean if something like a rotten apple core posed a threat, the people over at Swifter would have developed the thing to retrieve it, right?

After all, who cares more about my housecleaning than some anonymous electrostatic engineers?

I had a family reunion this weekend. It was really nice to see the clan together at one time.

Sure, they called it an Intervention, but it was fun nonetheless.

Did you know that witches really do exist? We have several here in Salem. Now they have their own witchcraft shops. Just like TV. I go in there once in awhile. Of course I wear my warlock garb. Don't want to look out of place. Personally, I think they're a bunch of crackpots.

But I won't ever say that to their faces. Just in case.

What do I do with my extra pressure treated wood? I'm glad you asked. Why, the same thing I do with my asbestos and lead paint. I grind it all up into a fine powder and drop it off at the sandbox at the local playground. I‘ve found that it really tests Darwin's Theory of Evolution.

Survival of the fittest!. Read a book for Christ's sake!

I have an idea for a new reality show. It's called "My Mother's House" The rules will be simple. Just one. Last one to move out wins. Sounds easy, right? Just try to beat my younger twin brothers(Age 27), They are good at this one.

Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door. Well, I did it. Hey world, if you're going to beat path to my door, stay off my azaleas!!!!!!!

We had a huge Hawaiian Luau at a friends house last night, with a roasted pig and all. One thing I came away with...unlike steak, there are only two ways pork can be. Done and not done. We think we should have gone with Done.

Does anyone know where the remote control to my TV is? Its not up my ass, so there goes most of your responses.

Women, can't live with 'em, can't make a suit out of their flesh without the FBI snooping around.

If you're ever working on the front of your house and the old Russian lady that lives down the street comes by, don't look at her. She might ask if she can have some of your caulk

Again with the child molesting priests!

We all know what would stop this madness...Let the Priests fornicate! But, since Catholics would never go for something that radical, I've come up with a simpler solution. Give Priests special Bibles. They're old, they won't know. You could put in special subliminal messages.

Watch:
Book of Genesis.
1] In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
[2] The earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of God was moving over the face of the waters.
[3] And God said, "Let there be light"; and there was light. Then God said "Don't molest children. And there were no children molested"

That last part could be in subliminal ink, whatever that is. Do I have to think of everything?

If you're one of those people that has a wireless phone headset in their ear all the time, I'm afraid that I have some bad news...You look ridiculous. Unless you're a very powerful stock broker person or simply fell on a headset and it got lodged in your ear so deeply that removing it would result in your instant death, you don't get enough phone calls to require you to have it there constantly. I'm sorry, but take it off.